Holding On To Hope
by lvtwilight09
Summary: Today was supposed to be a good day...I wasn't supposed to be at the coroner's office identifying my dead brother. After a devastating loss, can Edward hold on to hope long enough to find the love he always wanted? EPOV of Learning To Let Go.
1. Chapter 1

**A/N: This will be the companion story to Learning to Let Go. It will all be told in EPOV. I know a lot of you have been dying to get inside that boy's brain, so here's your chance. Now, not every chapter from LTLG will be seen here, as some of what happens there was Bella's experience that Edward wasn't around for, but much of it should coincide and match up. I have no set posting schedule for this, but will try to get a few chapters a day up. Finally…this entire EPOV story is for Catastrophia…consider this a very early birthday gift hun. **

Today was supposed to be a good day for them.

A romantic day.

They were supposed to be going out to a nice dinner and then go dancing.

He was supposed to get her tulips…he had always told me they were her favorite.

Tonight was supposed to be the beginning of them trying to start their family…he called me to tell me all about it…he was so excited to start trying.

He wanted to be a father…he was ready.

Today was Valentine's Day…it wasn't supposed to be like this…it's just not fair to either of them…or any of us for that matter.

I wasn't supposed to have two police officers showing up at work.

I wasn't supposed to be feeling like I was losing my mind or trapped in a nightmare.

I wasn't supposed to be at the coroner's office, identifying my dead brother's body.


	2. Chapter 2

I'm numb.

I feel like I'm underwater…everything sounds muffled as they try to explain to me what happened.

All I hear are the bits and pieces that manage to break their way through the fog.

He was heading to pick me Bella from work…

He was on his cell phone..._how many times had I told him to get a blue tooth_?

Distracted as he entered the freeway…

Eighteen-wheeler MAC truck…

T-Bone collision…

It took twenty minutes to get him out of the wreckage…

The EMTs couldn't keep him alive long enough to get to the hospital…

He coded and died on the way…

How am I supposed to deal with all of this?

How am I supposed to tell the family…this is going to kill Mom and Dad…hell, I think it's going to kill me too.


	3. Chapter 3

I stand there, watching as Bella is staring at him, willing him to wake up.

All she want is to hear his voice again.

For him to hold her again.

To have the chance to tell him how much she loves him.

It's just so unimaginably cruel…they've been together their entire adult lives.

They've been together since we were eighteen…

Engaged at twenty one…

Married at twenty two…

And now…now Bella's a widow at twenty seven.

I'd give anything to take away her pain, to protect her from all of this.

"You shouldn't be here," she whispers to him. "We're supposed to be starting a family together...You're twenty seven, you're perfectly healthy…you shouldn't be lying on some cold metal slab."

But looking at you, your face mottled, bloodied, and bruised almost to the point of being unrecognizable and I know there was no way he would have made it.

And seeing him now is surreal…no one could ever tell us apart. We were identical…two of a kind…except for the eyes.

Now it's just me and I feel like half of my soul has been ripped out and gone missing.

He was more than just my twin, he was my best friend…what am I supposed to do now?

The coroner advised against let me see his full body…said it was better to only see his face…to think of how he used to be.

"Bella…" I hear, and the voice, shaky and uncertain startles me because even though it's mine, I sound nothing like myself…I sound like him, and it throws me off guard.

She turn around and my heart sinks.

The two of us always sounded exactly alike.

But I'm not him, and I can see the disappointment on her face as she realizes that fact.

"Edward," she manages to choke out, before collapsing and sobbing in my arms, my name the only thing she can manage to say as I leads me away from him because staying here will do neither of us any good, there's no hope amongst the dead, and right now that's what I'm fighting to hold on to…that somewhere in the land of the living…there will be some semblance of hope for us all.


	4. Chapter 4

"NO! I can't leave him! Evan needs me…he…he shouldn't be all alone in there. It's not right." Bella starts to shout.

"Bella please, you've been in there for over two hours with him, the coroner needs to be able to do his job and Evan, he's…he's gone honey, and he isn't coming back," I tell her, my voice breaking as I tell you that Evan really is gone.

"I…I…" she starts to say as I lead her outside of the coroner's office and into my car.

My phone chimes, alerting me to a text from Emmett…

_The police contacted us all…we're all at Mom and Dad's house. _

I can see Bella trying to avoid looking at me, no doubt because I look just like him.

My mind starts reeling with everything that needs to be done as we head home.

Finally we get to my parents house.

I don't know if I can do this…seeing them all staring at me like I'm some walking ghost, cursed with making them relive the pain of everything they've just lost.

Plus, if I go in there…if I see them all feeling the same pain as me…it'll mean accepting that he's really gone.


	5. Chapter 5

Bella don't move from the car.

She just sits there waiting…as if someone will shake her awake and tell her this has all been a dream or some sort of cruel joke.

I move to her side of the car, reach in and pick her up to carry her inside.

I can feel the dampness of her tears seeping into her shirt.

It doubles my own pain to see her hurting so much…put it's the price you pay for seeing the woman you love suffering without any way to make it better

I wrap my arms around her and hold her tight as I carries her up the stairs and inside, hoping that even though I lost my chance with her the before I ever even met her…that she can still find some comfort in me…that she knows she's not alone.

Once we're inside, I glance at everyone and see emotions which match my own written across their faces...

Dad looks as though he's lost in a daze as he has his arms wrapped around Mom, trying to keep her from completely falling apart.

Rosalie is sitting in Emmett's lap, gently stroking his hair as he just stares at a picture of the two of him and Evan from a few years ago, a tear falling down his cheek.

And Alice…she's utterly inconsolable despite Jasper's efforts to calm her down.

I lead Bella to the couch and sit her down next to me.

Our entire family looks utterly destroyed.

It's the fact that Evan's not here…none of us seem to know how to quite process it.

But Bella…she seemingly finds the strength to voice the question we all have lingering in our heads.

"So what are we supposed to do now…"

I wish I could give her the answer…I wish I could take away her pain, but I can't.

And I feel guilty because in the midst of all of this I can't help but wonder if I has spoken up long ago about my feelings for her…if we would even be in this situation today.

There are just too many what ifs…

Too many uncertainties…

It's just all too much.


	6. Chapter 6

The word funeral is mentioned and I hate having to hear it.

We shouldn't be here planning my brothers funeral.

Hell, if I had my way Bella would never had been his wife, she would have been mine, and maybe them we never would have been here…or maybe we would because it would have been me heading to pick her up from work.

I should have told her years ago…

That I fell for her the moment I saw her.

That she's one of the kindest, most caring women I've ever meant.

That I would go to hell and back again for her.

But that in one fleeting moment, my hopes were dashed.

Evan had told me he met a girl on campus.

I hadn't mentioned that I had my eye on someone too.

And then the day he asked me to lunch to meet her…I saw Bella in the quad and finally worked up the nerve to ask her out, only to see my brother come up and give her a kiss…and that's when I realized that I was too late, that all hope was lost.

I'm brought out of my memories as someone asks me a question about "arrangements" and so I listen as questions start being hurled at Bella.

Where are we holding the wake…

Will the funeral be at church…

Is she going to bury him or have him cremated…

None of us ever talked about all of these things.

We all thought we had all the time in the world.

I don't know how to handle this…and I doubt Bella can either.

I offer to help her through it all, knowing that while I lost the chance at holding her heart, I can at least hold her hand through all of this instead.

She snaps and yells at me, her emotions getting the better of her.

She apologizes later though…but there's nothing to apologize for…today hasn't exactly been an easy day for any of us.

And it doesn't help that I am the living, breathing reminder of what we've all lost today.

No one else but Bella seems to notice how hard it is for me, as she tries to offer me comfort as well.

I avoid looking in the mirrors around the house…it's too hard…all I see is Evan staring back at me.

It makes my heart break a little more every time I see the look in everyone's eyes when they mistakenly think, even for the briefest of moments that I'm him…

I don't know how to get through this…I need to hope that it will get easier…get better in time.

It seems like that's all I've done for so many years…

Hold on to hope…

That one day I would have the courage to tell Bella how I feel.

That one day she would tell me that she loved me and not Evan.

And now…that one day I'll find that the nightmare I've found myself in will end.


	7. Chapter 7

Bella turns on the TV.

The evening news is playing, and I instantly wish she had turned on anything else.

They're showing footage of the accident.

I can see Evan's car, mangled and crumpled.

They show the firemen using the jaws of life to free him from inside, his crushed and bloody hand flopping limply at your side.

I knew something was wrong when it all happened…the two of us were always able to sense when something was going on with each other.

But now watching it unfold on the TV…seeing it all actually happen…it's like I

I don't know how, but they've gotten a picture of Evan, and display it with his name and age on the screen as they list him as the sole victim of the crash after talking about how the truck driver walked away with minor scrapes and bruises.

Those four words…minor scrapes and bruises, echo in my head long after Emmett turns the TV back off and I can't help but think of how unfair life is.

Why should that driver get to walk away when Evan didn't?

Evan had it all…a perfect life…

He had a wife; he was getting ready to start a family…

He had everything I could ever imagine wanting for myself…

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><p><strong>AN: This brings us up to the end of chapter 10 in LTLG…I'll be trying to update these in sections, but be aware that updates will stop with what would correspond with chapter 54 of LTLG as the chapter that will correspond with that one will be an outtake for Fandom 4 Children and cannot be posted to my profile until June 1.**


	8. Chapter 8

After a restless night, morning comes.

We all try our best to help support Bella. She's going to make arrangements today since the medical examiner said Evan would be ready for release tomorrow.

She looks so lost and scared, like she doesn't even know what she needs to do, so I go with her to the church, the funeral parlor, and the florist to make arrangements while Alice and Rose head over to her house to pick out some things for her to choose from for Evan to wear, and to get some pictures that we'll display at the wake.

Carlisle and Esme take care of having the obituary written up while Jasper and Emmett make all the phone calls to let close friends and family know about the arrangements.

At the end of the day, everything is planned, and Bella heads home to her house.

It's quiet when I finally get home myself.

I want to call Bella, to see if she's okay or if she needs anything, but I can't help but feel like I'd be betraying my brother by doing that. I mean, I worry about her and want to make sure she is okay as she deal's with all of this, but at the same point, I also have underlying motives for being so concerned with how she's coping…I love her. I always have, and I always will.

I walk into my room, but in the mirror on the wall I feel like I can see my brother looking back at me, judging me because he finally knows my thoughts about Bella.

I throw a blanket over the mirror and stay in my room long enough to put on my pajamas before I grab my pillows and a blanket and curl up on the sofa in the living room, trying to sort everything out in my head as I drift off to sleep.


	9. Chapter 9

I can't stop thinking about Bella…worrying about whether or not she's okay.

She shouldn't have been alone at home last night, but she insisted.

Which is why I'm knocking on her door bright and early the next morning.

I bring breakfast from the nearby café with me.

I make sure to get her favorite…a cheese omelet with a side of hash browns and bacon.

When she opens the door, I tell her that I'm here to take care of her…that Evan would have wanted me to make sure she was okay.

I truly believe Evan would want that…despite my other motives, which I have shoved to the back of my mind right now because right now I just need to make sure she's okay.

The truth is that I need her too right now, she's the only one who can understand how I feel…like I've lost my other half, because the reality is we both have.

My parents have each other, Emmett has Rosalie, and Alice has Jasper…but Bella and I…we're all alone and I think we need to lean on each other to get through this.

I don't think I can get through this alone.

We sit, quietly eating breakfast as we look through old pictures of Evan.

But then the phone rings…and I can tell Bella doesn't want to deal with people saying they're sorry for her loss.

I wouldn't want to hear their words either because words won't bring Evan back or make the pain go away.

But it's not a condolence call…it's the funeral home, and what they have to say makes Bella break down all over again.

I listen in as they tell Bella what they have to say.

"Too much damage," the funeral director explains.

He goes on to explain how they've tried to do everything they possibly could to make Evan look like himself…make him look like he did in the picture we gave them, but they've exhausted all their options.

"Closed casket," they suggest, they say it's for the best, and ask Bella to choose a picture of Evan that I would like to be placed atop his coffin for the wake.

I don't know how to process this and Bella clearly doesn't either as she's now a sobbing mess on the floor.

If I could I would take all of her pain on myself.

She doesn't deserve to be going through this.

This new news is just so hard to bear…I was just starting to accept the reality that you were gone, that you would never call me up for a guy's night at the sports bar again.

I was taking solace in getting that last goodbye with you, one final chance to see you and tell you that I could have never asked for a better brother, and now I feel like a part of that has been snatched away.

Bella and I are both a mess of tears, despite how much I try to hold mine back to be strong for her…and I hold her as she cries, promising that I and everyone else will help her get through all of this.


	10. Chapter 10

Bella finally calms down enough to sort through some pictures.

She finds one that she took when she and Evan went on vacation last year to Bermuda.

He looks so happy there… and I can't help but wish it was me who had taken her on that vacation, nor can I ignore the ache in my heart when she says how it was one of their happiest times together.

I offer to go get it enlarged and framed and drop it off at the funeral home.

She gladly accepts, and I'm happy to help, because from the looks of her, she's too worn out to even remotely consider going out of the house today.

The whole time I'm out running my errand, I try to sort through all of my emotions.

I know I am still completely in love with Bella.

I know now is not the time to even bring up the subject, so I work to sort out my grief from everything else and focus solely on helping Bella get through this, and finding a way to cope with my own grief.

After the picture is dropped off at the funeral home, I head back to Bella's.

Someone needs to look after her and make sure she's eating.

When I get back, I make her some lunch and then I find her in her bed, completely curled around what I assume to be Evan's pillow from the way she's clinging to it.

"Bella? Bella, you need to wake up. You need to eat something." I say as I gently wake her.

"Evan? Oh God Evan, I've had the most horrible nightmare," she sobs as she launches into my arms.

"Bella…look at me…its Edward," I say, stifling a sob, because those words…her mistaking me for him hurt more than anyone could imagine .

And that's when I see it…when she recognizes my eyes are green and not blue…and reality quickly sets in again for her.

She blubbers through an apology.

I tell her that I understand, because truly I do, and that everything has been settled with the photograph for the wake.

I let her know I've made her lunch, and that she should eat and take a shower, that it'll help her feel a bit better.

I don't give her a chance to respond before I turn and leave the room, shutting the door behind me, praying that she listens and gives me a few moments to get my own emotions in check.

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><p><strong>AN: This chapter now brings us up to chapter 15 in Learning to Let Go. The plan I have laid out for the EPOVs is to update it based on 5 chapter intervals from the main story once a week. This should hopefully get us as close as possible to June 1 when I will be able to post the EPOV from the end of ch 54 that I donated to Fandom 4 Children. **


	11. Chapter 11

Bella spends the next day and a half in the same way.

She stays in bed, Evan's pillow pulled tight against her in one hand, their wedding photo held firmly in the other.

She only gets out of bed when me or some other family member forces her to eat.

We all know it wouldn't be wise to leave her alone right now, and even if I thought I she'd be able to function on her own, I wouldn't have left her…if only for the selfish reason of my needing to be near her…to see with my own eyes that she's okay, or as okay as she can be in this situation.

I think she's hoping that if she just stays in bed, that she can pretend that she hasn't lost her husband. I wish I could make that a reality for her.

But the world doesn't work that way, and two days after we've all received the most devastating news in our lives, Alice is helping her to dress for Evan's wake and funeral.

Even in the saddest of situations, she is the most beautiful woman I've ever seen. Her hair is up in a French twist, and she's wearing a black dress.

Bella is seemingly moving on autopilot, and I have to say that I feel like I'm doing the same.

Rosalie has already gotten everything ready for after the graveside service when everyone is supposed to come back here.

None of us have really spoken to anyone outside of the family or Bella's parents since all of this started.

I don't know if any of us are ready to…talking to them, hearing them offer condolences, telling me how hard they know it must be for me to have lost a twin when they really haven't the slightest clue…it make it real.

I don't want any of this to be real.

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><p><strong>AN: Okay guys, I have a question for you all…do you want me to continue posting these chapters as I have been where you get them all on one day, or do you want me to spread them out during the week…if I did it that way, if there were 5 updates for the week, you'd get them Monday thru Friday, or if there were 3 you'd get them Mon, Wed, & Fri…let me know in your review, or answer the poll question I have set up in my FB group (lvtwilight's lovers) about it. I'll let you all know what the decision will be in an A/N in the last chapter for today.**


	12. Chapter 12

Walking into the funeral home is surreal.

We're led into the room where they've laid Evan's coffin.

There are so many flowers…from his coworkers and Bella's, from friends and family alike.

He was so loved by so many.

Did he know how important he was to everyone…to me?

I see his casket at the front of the room, the picture placed atop of it.

It takes everything in me not to scream at the injustice of it all…to just let out a fraction of the pain I'm feeling.

It's like my soul has been wrenched from by body and split in two.

Evan was literally my other half…we were twins…the bond between us was inexplicable.

I feel so lost now, knowing he's no longer here.

I want to be able to sit and talk with him one more time.

To laugh at something stupid that no one but us understands.

To just be able to tell my brother that I love him.

I'll never get that chance.

People start to filter in and pay their respects.

Many look at me with sad eyes full of pity.

Some look at me with some sort of thankfulness that it's me sitting here and not them.

I can't blame them…I'd probably be doing the same if the situation was different.

And then he walks in…

He's dressed in black pants, a white shirt, and a black tie.

His face is slightly bruised and has a few scrapes, and from that alone I know instantly who he is.

"Mrs. Cullen," he says as he approaches Bella. "I'm Jacob Black. I just wanted to say how sor…"

"Don't you say another word to me," she hisses, cutting him off. "You killed my husband. You're the reason he's inside that box right now and you have the nerve to come here today? Get the hell out of here right now and let me grieve in peace."

He opens his mouth again to say something but Emmett and I step up to stand beside her, and he thinks better of it and with a defeated look on his face, leaves the room.

As soon as he leaves, Bella breaks down again, and so without even a second thought, I push everything else aside to comfort her.


	13. Chapter 13

The rest of the wake goes smoothly.

Someone from your our family is always by Bella's side.

For the most part, it's me.

I try to keep an eye on the conversation, and steer it towards other topics when it seems like Bella needs a change because things are getting too hard for her.

Like when people come up and start telling her their favorite memories of Evan.

It's too much for me, let alone Bella to hear them

Maybe someday we can all look back on memories of him and smile, but not now.

Right now all I can think of is how I'll never again be able to make new memories with my brother.

The funeral director steps in and announces that it's time for everyone to head over to the church for the funeral.

Father Newton walks in front of the casket and says a small prayer and offers a blessing before everyone is to say their final goodbyes.

I'm not ready to say goodbye to my brother. I'm not sure I know how to. I wasn't prepared for this…I never thought I'd have to say goodbye to him when we were only twenty seven years old.


	14. Chapter 14

Bella remains inside the room for a while.

I wish I was able to stay with her; it's almost torture having to be away from her when I know she so desperately needs someone to lean on, but I know she needs her chance for a private goodbye with Evan even more.

As we wait for Bella, I can't help but wonder how we got here…we were all living seemingly happy lives, even if mine was filled with regret over never having voiced my feelings for Bella all those years ago…even if Evan had his suspicions…I could tell he did by how he would sometimes look at me when I would be around Bella…not that I ever interacted inappropriately with her…that would have been disrespectful to both her and Evan. I always kept everything buried inside me, hidden away from the light of day.

Eventually Bella walks out towards the limo where we're waiting, her eyes red-rimmed and her cheeks tear-stained. As soon as she's next to me I can't help but hug her, and promise to help her get through the rest of what's to come.

**A/N: Ok, so this brings us up to chapter 20 in LTLG. From everyone's responses via PMs, reviews, etc…it seems that the majority of you would prefer to keep the updates to all being posted on one day each week, so that's how things will stay.**


	15. Chapter 15

Your funeral mass is one of the hardest things for me to get through.

Emmett has to help Bella stand and kneel at all the appropriate times, and when it's time for Communion he practically has to carry her up to receive.

He, Alice and I all give Evan's eulogy.

We share stories from growing up together, talk about how much he meant to us all…how he was a good man and a wonderful husband.

We had asked Bella at first if she wanted to speak, but I knew she wouldn't be able to.

As I speak before everyone in church about him, I can't help but wonder if I made it clear enough how much I loved my brother.

Did he know how proud I was of him?

How lucky I felt to get to call him my brother?

How I hoped he was proud of me, that all I wanted was to be as good a man as him.

All too quickly the mass is over, and now comes the part I'm dreading…the final goodbyes at the gravesite.


	16. Chapter 16

The graveside service is hard.

Bella seems like she wants to crawl into the ground with Evan as we watch watch them lower him down.

I can't say I don't know what she's feeling.

He don't belong there.

He belongs with us, living his life, starting his family.

Being back at the house with everyone is even more difficult.

Everyone is still looking at me with pity, still tiptoeing around me like I'm some dead man walking because Evan was my twin.

Don't they understand how hard it is for me already?

It seems like Bella's the only one who does.

I just want them to treat me like things are normal.

I know I can't have everything back the way it used to be, but I need normal…or whatever normal is now.


	17. Chapter 17

After the last of the guests leave, everyone helps Bella clean everything up.

The mundaneness of the task gives me the normality I'm craving.

We don't talk much about the service; none of us are ready for that yet.

But we're all together right now, which we need.

Everyone stays with Bella tonight too, and in the morning we make a big family breakfast like we usually do on Sunday's after church.

We all are relaxed for the first time in what feels like forever.

We finally share a few laughs over something stupid…until Emmett mentions how Evan would have probably pissed himself laughing if he were here…that's when ache his absence causes settles back within each of us, especially me as I notice everyone's eyes dart in my direction and then quickly away as the sadness over the fact that they are green and not blue decends.


	18. Chapter 18

These past few weeks have been full of ups and downs.

Bella's parents, mine, and Emmett, Alice, and I take turns staying with Bella as she adjusts to Evan not being here.

I make sure to see her every day…I guess that's the perk of my running my own company and being my own boss…I can make my own hours.

I think Bella and I have bonded over losing Evan. Everyone else had their spouse to lean on, but Bella and I…sure we had the support of the family, but it just seems as though we're the only two who can comprehend the other's pain.

It makes me glad to see that Bella's days have finally started getting better…she can look at pictures of Evan without crying now, can think about him without wanting to lock herself away in her room for hours on end.

But tonight…tonight is hard.

It's the first night that she will be completely alone...she insisted it was time for her to try standing on her own two feet again.

The truth is, I don't want to let her go…I want her to need me as much as I need her.

Suddenly it's all too quiet in my house…all I can think of is how Bella is doing and if she is okay.

She haven't boxed away any of Evan's things yet…she's not ready to part with them, but what about the memories they evoke for her?

Can she handle them alone?

I can't bear to just sit here in my house knowing she might be in pain.

I loveher too much…to let any more pain mar her life.

So I toss on some sweats, grab a pillow and a blanket, and drive over to Bella's house. I park across the street and make a bed in the back of my car, a bit more relaxed that I'm at least near her in case she needs me…never acknowledging the fact that it is only now that I know I'm close to her that I can finally sleep too.


	19. Chapter 19

Bella called me today.

Told me about an insurance policy that Evan set up.

"The policy had a one million dollar benefit," she explained. "And it doubles in cases of accidental death."

She went on to tell me how apparently Evan set it up a year ago after they decided to seriously start planning to have kids.

I'm glad to know that Evan thought to make sure Bella would be taken care of.

I'm glad I can help her with this too.

I told her I would help set her up with my financial advisor so that the money gets invested properly.

I'm even more proud of my brother now, knowing what he did. He was a good man…one I hope to measure up to some day.

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><p><strong>AN: Okay, so this brings us up to chapter 25 in Learning to Let Go. Next set of updates will be next week.**


	20. Chapter 20

Bella finally started going back to work today.

It's been two months…It's good to see her getting back to normal…whatever that is now.

Angela invited her to Eric's birthday dinner next week.

She said she'd go, but can tell by how she mentioned it that she's going to come up with some sort of an excuse.

I think it's just too hard for her still…to see someone else get to celebrate their husband's birthday, when she'll never get to do that with Evan again.

I'll probably ask her to help me with something or offer to do a dinner and movie night with her the night of the party…that way she won't have to feel like she's lying to a friend.

And who knows…maybe someday soon she'll be ready to get back to celebrating life's happy moments.


	21. Chapter 21

Life has become routine.

It's been three months since Evan died.

Bella's adjusted to being alone in the house…I don't sleep in my car across the street…much.

I have work to keep me busy.

Slowly but surely Bella's started going out with friends more.

She's developed a routine for herself…I've become a part of that routine.

She gets up, goes to work, comes home, and then I go over to her house. We make dinner together, and when she goes to bed, I head home most nights, although sometimes I find myself unable to be that faraway, so I take up my spot in my car across the street.

Everyone thinks she's doing well and has starting the healing process so she can move forward…but I know different. I know because I see what she tries to hide. We both put on good fronts for everyone else, but when it's just the two of us, the walls come down and the masks come off…

I still have trouble looking at pictures of Evan and I, or looking at myself in the mirror.

Bella still wears his clothes to sleep.

She still sprays them with his cologne to keep them smelling like him…I can smell the scent lingering in the air of their room even after all this time. I've even bought her a few extra bottles for when she runs out because if that smell is what gives her comfort and makes her happy, then I'll buy her every bottle on the planet if I have to.

Hi wedding band remains around her neck, lying next to her heart…the one place I wish she would reserve a place for me…but I know she's not ready…and even if she was…would she even consider me?


	22. Chapter 22

Today was a rough day.

I thought I was handling losing Evan pretty well…or as well as could be expected.

But Garrett…he ran into me today and mistook me for Evan. When he realized the mistake, he asked me how Evan was doing…he'd been out of the country for a while and hadn't heard about Evan's accident.

I guess having to rehash it all made me realize that Evan was truly gone, that he wasn't coming back.

I broke down today after dinner about it and cried for hours in Bella's arms…I was thankful she was there and willing to listen.

She's the only one I can fully open up to…she's the only one who understands.

I felt safe and loved in her arms. I felt like I was home, which only made me cry all the more because the truth is, those arms are not my home, I hold no claim to them…Evan does, and from the way Bella cried with me, he probably always will…so what does that mean for me?


	23. Chapter 23

Today's a big day for Bella.

It's been almost four months now, and she said she's finally ready to do go through some of Evan's things and decide what to keep.

She's kept a few of his shirts, and her favorite pair of his sweats.

Our parents, Em, and Alice have all come to help us and to take the things they wanted to keep as well.

Halfway through, the phone rings.

It's the hospital…and while I'm not sure what they say, it has me worried because of the look that is on Bella's face.

They tell her they need her to come down there right away…that she's listed as next of kin for someone.

The only person I could think of is Angela…she's an only child and since Eric travels a lot for work, she keeps Bella listed as an emergency contact.

My heart sinks as I immediately remember the last time someone told Bella about being listed as next of kin…it brings back all the memories of the day Evan died.

I don't want her there alone, so I offer to drive her while everyone else offers to finish up packing up the stuff we're planning on donating.

The whole way to the hospital I feel like I can't even breathe.

We make it there quickly, and nervously head inside, not knowing what to expect.


	24. Chapter 24

I feel like I'm walking through cement as we approach the information desk.

Bella gives them her name, and tells them she was asked to come down because she was listed as next of kin.

I have to ask the woman behind the counter to repeat herself when she tells us to head up to the maternity ward.

Bella looks as confused as me, and double checks the visitor's passes that we're given to wear.

The silence as we ride the elevator to the third floor is stifling.

The bell dings, the doors open, and we head to the nurses station.

After explaining why we are there, we are shown to a waiting room where we are told someone will be in with us shortly.

A few minutes later, a doctor and a social worker come in and give me news that once again flips my world upside down.

* * *

><p><strong>AN: I'm sure you all hate me for stopping here, but this brings us up to chapter 30 in Learning to Let Go. Also…there will not be any updates next week. I have visitors who will be here from this coming Sunday through Monday the 23rd so I will be very, very busy and unable to update. So the next set of updates for this will not be until April 25…to make up for the lack of updates in this story though, I will finally be posting the Evan POV outtake on April 20, as that is the date I'll be allowed to post it since it was originally part of a compilation.**


	25. Chapter 25

Bella looks like she's hearing about Evan's accident all over again…that same dazed, confused look in her eyes as her carefully reconstructed world crumbles down around her.

I'm so focused on watching her and making sure she's okay, that everything that is being said is muffled and only bits and pieces are coming through.

Baby girl…

Mother named Evan as the father…

Letter explaining everything left in the mother's room along with legal papers naming Bella the child's guardian…

Bella's struggling to find a way to understand it all, trying to convince herself it's some sort of mistake as she tries to explain to them that they must be mistaken or that someone is playing a sick joke on her…that it's not possible for Evan to have a child because he was married to her…that he's gone.

They double check that Evan was Bella's husband..offering his full name and date of birth as confirmation.

When all the information matches up, they explain that there has been no mistake.

They offer me the letter to read, show me the guardianship papers, hoping that I can find some way to make her understand and offer us some time to absorb everything before they bring us to see the baby.

And just like that…after setting off a clusterfuck of a grenade in our lives, after destroying everything I ever thought to be true about my brother, and tearing every ounce of happiness that Bella had managed to rebuild to shreds… they leave us in this godforsaken room, the both of us utterly lost as to what we're supposed to do now.

* * *

><p><strong>AN: So…we're back to our regularly scheduled once a week updates (at least until June 1) and we're up to the part that everyone has been waiting for…you'll be getting through what would be chapter 35 of LtLG today, so we've got four more chapters before we're done for the day.**


	26. Chapter 26

"Bella…" I whisper as I look down at the half crumpled letter in my hand…I hadn't even realized my hand was in a fist. "I think we should see what that letter has to say."

Bella doesn't speak to formulate a response, she just nods and open the letter with shaky hands…Her voice breaks as she tries to read it, nothing really coming out, so as I look over her shoulder, I read the letter aloud…

_Dear Isabella,_

_You don't know me, but I knew Evan very well._

_He and I were together for almost a year when he died._

_He spoke of you often._

_I had always hoped that he would one day be mine and mine alone, but he loved you too much to ever let you go…even when he found out I was pregnant._

_I thought having his baby would make him want to stay with me…it didn't._

_The day he died, he was on his way to you…but he was also leaving me. _

_He ended things with me that day, had said that even though he would always love them, that he would sign over his rights to our baby the day they were born._

_He ended things because he said his life, his heart, and the family he wanted to have was with you._

_I'm in no position to care for a child. I have no family to help and can hardly support myself, so I've done what I thought was best and left the child to you._

_I'm sure there are many questions you may have, and I will answer them all for you whenever you choose to ask…I owe you at least that much. _

_My number is 702-555-0917 _

_Sincerely,_

_Charlotte Martin_

Bella's tears are staining the paper the letter is written on as her sobs echo off the walls and questions swirl through my mind.

I don't know how to process this…I idolized Evan…he was my twin, my other half. I always wanted to be a good man like him and now…

I don't even know if I ever really knew him now that I've read this.

All I know is that I don't know how much more I can take, but the one thing I do know is that I need to find some way to keep it all together for Bella…at least for now, I can sort through my own anger later.

I look over at her and I can see the cracks coming through to the surface and rip her apart as she collapses to the floor, an anguished scream pouring from her mouth, ripping my heart apart as I realize that this pain she's feeling…no matter how much I love her or how much I want to…there's no way I can fix this or make it all better.


	27. Chapter 27

I hold Bella as she sobs.

I don't understand what's happening.

Wasn't he happy with Bella?

They had nine years together…I thought they had a good life together.

I have so many good memories of my brother, I had accepted that I couldn't have Bella, would have to love her from afar, and was content in seeing her happy, enjoyed the memories we all made as friends…as family…but now I feel like they're all tarnished…tainted.

Do I even know who Evan was anymore?

Were there others?

Should I suggest to Bella that she might want to get tested now?

And without any chance to keep it at bay, the anger creeps in…

Didn't Bella give him everything he needed?

Did she do something to send him into another woman's arms?

What happened to the two of them?

Bella was everything a man could want in a wife…kind, selfless, loving…how could he just throw her away like that and take her for granted.

I never would have done that…I would have worshipped the ground she walked on…because that's what she deserves…she deserves to be treated like the most precious thing in the world, because she is…at least to me. I thought she was to Evan too…apparently I was wrong, and now…now I wish I didn't stay quiet all those years ago about my feelings for her.

Evan was with this Charlotte woman for a year…he were with her the day he died…the day he was supposed to be trying to start building his family with his wife, and yet here he has one already.

He knew how badly Bella wanted a family with him…he always said he wanted that too…did he just lie to Bella to pacify her?

What angers me more was that he kept it secret…if he weren't happy he should have told Bella…it would have hurt her terribly, but it's better than where we are now…she could have understood if Evan had told her they had grown apart or that he fell in love with someone else…she could have found a way to let him go.

All I ever wanted was for Bella to be happy. It's why I never said anything about being in love with her…because every time I saw her and Evan together…the way she looked at him, the way she lit up when she was by his side…it was if she could never be happier than she was when she was with him …why couldn't that have been enough for him?

It would have been more than enough for me.


	28. Chapter 28

"What am I supposed to do now that I know all this?" Bella asks me, looking at me as if I have all the answers…I don't, even though I wish I did.

I shake my head, not sure what I should say as I look over the guardianship papers, which for better or worse all seem to be legally sound and in order.

"I don't know Bella. This paperwork is all in order, so it looks like you're this baby's guardian. I guess you have two options…either take the baby or turn the baby over as a ward of the state."

Evan's left her in such a difficult position. I swear if he wasn't dead already, that I would kill him myself.

I hate the idea of any child being given up when there is someone who could care for them, but how can Bella be expected to care for the evidence of her husband's infidelity?

She's living, breathing proof of the fact that he compromised everything they promised each other, and now Bella's supposed to accept her as her responsibility?

I know my parents would gladly take the baby if Bella doesn't…hell, even I would…the fact remains that despite my disdain for the child's origins, they are family, and should stay with family.

I know should she decide to keep the child, they won't let Bella bring the baby home tonight…she don't have a car seat or anything at home to care for a child…and perhaps this is a good thing, it will buy her time…not much, just a day or two to get the answers she needs, which inevitably means she'll need to go and see this Charlotte woman, no matter how much it's going to hurt.

I'll offer to go with her…she's not the only one who needs to try to understand the why in this situation.

"You don't have to decide right this very second Bella, but you will have to decide soon." I tell Bella.

"I know. I just want to make the decision that's right for me, for that baby, for the family. I need some answers first, and I need to talk with the rest of the family too…I just…this is a lot to process right now."

I just nod and tell her I'm confident that she'll make the best decision for everyone involved.

The doctor comes back in shortly after that and asks if we're ready…to see the baby…to see _his _child…to see the evidence of what he's done.

Bella nods and follows him out towards the nursery. I follow behind her even though I'm fighting myself to keep from just picking her up and running out of the hospital because I can tell by her expression she is anything but ready…but then again, how could she ever be ready for something like this?


	29. Chapter 29

I can tell that Bella I lost in her thoughts as we walk to the nursery…she doesn't even react as the nurses whisper and gossip about her…how she's the woman stuck with her dead husband's love child.

I suspect the doctor understands just how fucked this situation really is, as he tries to maintain a professional persona and glares at the gossiping nurses, silencing them with his look.

I can't help but feel guilty over what Bella is going through…Evan was my twin. We always knew each other better than anyone else ever did…was I that blind that I never noticed the signs of what he was doing?

Or was he just that good a con artist that he was able to keep his deception hidden? And if so…what else did he lie about or keep hidden in the dark?

As we walk inside the nursery I can't help but feel a pang of loss…so much has been taken away from me…my chance at a family of my own with Bella all those years ago; my faith in my brother. Mom always told us that hope is stronger than anything, that as long as we had hope we'd be okay, could make it through even the toughest times…but how can I hold on to hope now…it seems so pointless and futile in the grand scheme of things when everything we all ever thought was true has been shattered and destroyed…including ourselves right along with it.

I can see the pain on Bella's face the closer we get to the nursery. She was supposed to experience this with Evan…the two of them walking in here to see _their _child and bring them home.

As the doctor leads us to where Evan's baby is, I can't help but wonder what she will look like.

Will she look like Evan?

Will she look like her mother?

Will Bella be able to even tolerate being in the same room as this child, as innocent as she may be, because of what she represents?

Will any of us ever be able to look at her and see her as just a little girl instead of being reminded of how she came to be?

"Here she is," the doctor whispers as he picks her up and hands her to Bella.

Bella takes her in her arms, and it's almost instantaneous how her expression changes. Immediately I know…that while there is still so much to sort out, so many questions that need answering and decisions that need to be made…one look at Bella holding that tiny little baby tells me everything…hope is still worth holding on to.

**A/N: So there we have it…we've delved into Edward's reactions to Evan's infidelity. There's clearly more to sort out as the family doesn't know yet, but we'll be getting there shortly. We're now up to chapter 35 in Learning to Let Go. Next set of chapters will post next week, and later this week/early next week will be the next chapter of my story Retribution.**

**Until next time,**

**Steph**


	30. Chapter 30

For a while, Bella just stands there, rocking the baby in her arms. She looks so good holding a baby. She was clearly born to be a mother. I only wish that this situation was different. That it was her and her husband's baby that she was holding in this moment…but even more I wish it was hers and mine.

"Edward," she softly whispers, a whirlwind of emotion passing across her face. "I…I just can't leave her…I know what she represents but…she's so small, and her mother clearly doesn't want her. She's too small to have no one want her…"

I look up at her, and I hope that she can see by my expression that I understand…that no matter how this baby came to be, no matter what she represents, she's still a piece of Evan, still a part of this family.

It takes all of my strength to quell the anger I now have for my brother that's brewing within me.

He was just going to walk away from her, leave her without a father.

It's crystal clear that he wasn't the man I thought I knew and looked up to…that's something I'm definitely going to need to process and work through.

"Her mother named her before…before she left" the doctor tells us as he points to the name on the baby's bed. "She said her name was Evangeline, after her father."

I can already tell she's Evan's by the traces of copper hair atop her head, I can already see the similarities between them both, and I would bet my life on the fact that her eyes will be blue, but I still can't say I'm shocked by what Bella says next.

"Can we have a DNA test done?" she asks, as the doctor stares at us. "I mean…I'm pretty sure this Charlotte person was telling the truth but…I just need to know, need to be sure."

The doctor tells me he understands.

I'm honestly relieved that she asked, because I want to be sure too and God knows I didn't want or know how to bring the subject up.

The doctor tells us we need to bring either in either Evan's toothbrush or hairbrush for testing, and if we don't have that, then we need a family member to compare against for testing.

"I'm his twin," I say, wanting this all to be done and over with. "You can use me. Do it now."

We head into an exam room to have the test done, and after a quick cheek swab, we're told we'd know in a few days what the results say.

We leave Evangeline in the nursery…she can't come home yet…not without us at least having a car seat for her, and already I see how much Bella dislikes the thought of leaving her all alone.

I wrap my arm around Bella as we leave…it's comforting, helps me feel not so alone, and helps me keep my anger towards Evan at bay for the moment.

Once we're in the car, we settle into a comfortable silence as we both process what we've just gone through.

"Hell of a day, huh?" I ask.

"Yeah," she replies. "Now…how the hell are we telling everyone they're about to be grandparents, uncles, and aunts?"

The question is a reality check for us both…a reality check about how my brother's choices have put us in such a precarious situation.

I can see Bella's anger in her eyes and I imagine her expression is a reflection of my own…

A reflection of our anger at Evan…anger over his selfishness, his deceit, and his utter disregard for the feelings of everyone who supposedly mattered to him.

* * *

><p><strong>AN: So sorry for the lateness of posting these this week. I had about a bajillion other things all going on at once. On a more exciting note however, this story has been nominated in the Twilight Eclipse Awards in the Best Edward category for drabbles. Voting starts tomorrow, so if you get a chance, head on over to twilighteclipseawards(dot)blogspot(dot)com and vote.**


	31. Chapter 31

We pull into the driveway at the house, and both of us just stare at the house.

I can tell Bella is trying to sort through everything in her head, while me…I'm trying to control the rage building within me.

This house held all of their memories of their life together.

They chose this house together, wanting it because it seemed like the perfect place for them to build a family together.

How much of their life together was a lie?

How many of their memories were just part of a façade?

Eventually, we both realize we can't just sit in the driveway forever.

Walking inside, everyone is still there.

Mom is in the kitchen with Rose making dinner.

Jasper and Alice are organizing the boxes of Evan's things that will be brought to Goodwill tomorrow.

Dad and Emmett are in the living room watching some game on ESPN.

As soon as we walk inside though, everyone stops what they're doing and looks our way, waiting expectantly for us to explain what happened today.

Bella looks at me, the nervousness rolling off of her. I wrap my arm around her and hold her close, offering what support I can as she try to find a way to explain this to everyone.

"Well," she says with a heavy sigh. "Evan had a daughter."

The room is silent, except for the shattering of glass as Mom sobs and drops the plates she was holding.

Everyone looks confused, and understandably so.

I look at each of their faces as the understanding and hurt seep in, and I have to remind myself to keep my anger at my brother under control. At least for now…while I have to help Bella and the rest of the family understand what's going on…while I have to make sure that I clean up my brother's mess.


	32. Chapter 32

Alice is the first to break the silence.

"What the hell are you talking about Bella?" she asks. "Is this your way of saying you're pregnant or something?"

I can see the pleading in my sister's eyes…praying that she's wrong in her understanding…willing Bella not to confirm what she has already figured out about Evan.

"No Alice. I mean, that right now, Evan's newborn baby girl is in the nursery at the hospital. She was born two days ago. That's why I got called to the hospital…"

I help Bella explain everything to our family; they don't take the news well at all, especially Emmett.

"He's lucky he's dead right now because if he wasn't…I swear I'd kill him," he growls.

"Emmett!" shouts Dad. "That's no way to speak about your brother."

"No Dad…I mean it. You and mom raised us better than that. You always taught us to be honest and respectful. Evan threw that right out the window…with Bella, with us. He created a mess and walked away and has left it for us to figure out how to clean it up. How is that fair for any of us?" The last few words come out strangled as Emmett tries to keep from crying.

Are you happy now Evan?

Do you see the pain you've caused us all?

I can't stand how unfair this is. We were finally healing and moving on from losing my brother and now we have to deal with this…

"So Bella," Mom says softly, snapping me out of my thoughts. "Are…are you keeping her?"

And regardless of the situation, I can see the bit of hope in Mom's eyes.

That despite this entirely fucked up situation, despite all of the anger and betrayal and hurt that we are all feeling, we all still love Evan and are willing to learn how to get through this, willing to hold on to hope that maybe getting a piece of Evan back with us will let us let go and move on.


	33. Chapter 33

Everyone just stares at Bella, waiting for her to answer Mom's question.

"I won't abandon her..." she tells them, leaving the rest unsaid, and I can't help but to think in my head that what she really means is that she won't abandon her like Evan did.

Everyone visibly relaxes when Bella says she plans to keep her.

I know this is a lot for her to take on, that a lot of people won't understand her reasoning…won't be able to accept that she can take this child as her own, and I make the decision to be there for Bella and the baby every step of the way…in any way they need me…in any way Bella will allow me to help.

Because the fact remains that despite the way she came about…despite all of the other emotions swirling around and dominating my heart and mind right now, deep down I still love my brother. It doesn't mean I forgive him for what he's done, but I would like to think that if I had found out about all of this sooner, that we would have found a way to work through it and move on.

"There's still a lot I need to take care of," Bella tells everyone. "I mean, this house is in no way ready for a baby to be living here, and…well…I want…I need answers about all of this. I need to give this Charlotte woman a call, maybe meet her and just…just find out how all of this happened."

"They're already running a DNA test to be sure," I add in. "I gave a sample for them to use. We'll know the results in a few days."

No one really says much after that.

* * *

><p><strong>AN: Well, we're all caught up now through chapter 40 of Learning to Let Go. Let me know your thoughts and don't forget…voting starts tomorrow in the Twilight Eclipse Awards. This story is up for Best Edward in a drabble, my story Whiskey Lullaby is up for Best Angst drabble, and my story Retribution is up for Best Suspense/Thriller in the full length fics section. To vote, you can go to: twilighteclipseawards(dot)blogspot(dot)com**


	34. Chapter 34

The DNA test came back and just as we all suspected, proving Evan was Evangeline's father. Bella cried for about an hour after we got the results, before trying to focus on getting things ready for bringing the baby home.

It killed me to see her so broken and hurt, and the fact that there was nothing I could do to take the pain away only made my own pain double.

She arranged maternity leave with work, struggling to find the words to explain this situation to her boss and human resources.

While I knew she made enough money from her job, and adding in Evan's life insurance money to take care of herself and the baby, I wanted to help out, so I contacted the financial advisor I had set set me up with to handle the life insurance money so that some of it could be set aside for a college fund and for Evangeline's future…just because her father didn't want her, I never wanted that little girl to think that the rest of the family felt the same way. I wanted her to know how loved she is.

The past two days Dad, Jasper, Emmett and I have been working until the point of exhaustion to keep Bella locked out of the room that will be Evangeline's nursery.

We wanted to decorate it for her and wanted it to be a surprise.

Rose, Alice and Mom have been shopping with Bella to get the things she'll need for the baby…clothes, a car seat, a stroller…everything and anything you could think of that you would need for a baby.

I told them all that cost wasn't an issue, and to not let Bella just settle for lesser quality or not get something simply because she thought it would cost too much. I know Bella well enough to know that she would try to just get the basics that she'd need, never wanting to allow us to spend our money on her…butt hats what family does…we take care of each other.

I'm nervous sitting in the living room of her house, waiting for her and the baby to come home.

I offered to go with her today, but she told me she needed to do this on her own. It hurt a bit that she didn't want me there, but I understood why she needed to do this on her own, and I love her enough to accept that and to support her however I can, even when it means giving her the space she needs.

Everyone else is waiting at the house too, and when Bella and Evangeline arrive, none of us can contain our excitement over meet our newest family member.

After the baby is passed around to everyone and some pictures are taken, we head up to the nursery.

Carlisle opens the door, and I hold my breath as Bella looks around the room.

My heart flutters when she offers me a smile as she tries to thank everyone but can't seem to find the words.

Esme leads me over to the crib, and shows her the small stuffed teddy bear that resides inside it.

"I hope you don't mind," she says to Bella nervously. "I know how difficult all of this is for you, but it belonged to Evan when he was little, and I…I just thought that it would be nice for her to have a little piece of him."

Her eyes tear up as she finishes talking.

My anger flares and is pushing me to tell her it isn't okay because he just wanted to walk away from this innocent child, but I reign it in…no matter what my feelings towards my brother are, it isn't my decision to make, it's Bella's.

"It's fine Esme," Bella quietly replies, offering her a small smile.

"Thank you," Mom tells Bella as she offers her a hug, and I know…the thank you is for more than just the teddy bear. It's for making sure she has a chance to know and love her grandchild.


	35. Chapter 35

Bella was born to be a mother.

She's adjusted so well to having Evangeline at home.

She still hasn't called Charlotte yet though.

She's told me that she's not sure what to say even though she knows she needs to get answers about Charlotte and Evan.

She carries the phone number with her everywhere, hoping she has the strength to dial it.

Bella just doesn't see herself clearly though…she's already so much stronger than any woman…any other person I've ever met. It's her strength that makes me love her all the more.

I keep telling her that she should just call Charlotte and get it over with, so that way she can start working on moving past it.

Hopefully she'll take my advice soon, because I hate seeing her so frustrated and hurt because she's imagining all sorts of things instead of just getting the answers.

RING

RING

RING

RING

I check the caller ID and see that it's Bella calling.

I answer the phone, but before I can even say 'hello' she's already talking.

"Edward? I need to ask you a favor…"

She explains what's going on, that she's called Charlotte and is meeting with her today, that she needs me to go with her. I agree to meet her at a coffee shop before heading over to Charlotte's.

Twenty minutes later, we're sitting inside a Starbucks.

The two of us are quiet for a while as we sit and sip our drinks.

Finally we start talking about what Bella's hoping to get out of meeting Charlotte.

I'm worried that meeting her will upset Bella more than it will help her.

I'm worried about making sure that Bella won't go through unnecessary pain… because she's had more than enough to last a lifetime and it's time she gets the chance to find her way back to happiness.

Bella is so frazzled already and freaking out that she'll forget everything she wants to ask Charlotte, so I help her make out a list of all the questions she want answers to.

After a while we realize it's almost time to meet Charlotte, so we head out, and I offer Bella my hand to hold, offering her what strength support I can, so she knows she'll never be alone and that she can always count on me.


	36. Chapter 36

The ride to Charlotte's place is quiet and tense.

I think we both just need the quiet right now.

I feel like my emotions are all over the place, and to be honest, I have to keep reminding myself of how Mom taught me how it was impolite to slap a woman…no matter how much of a skank she might be.

As we continue to drive, I can tell we're entering an area of town that isn't so great.

There are more police cars patrolling the area, and a lot of the buildings and houses all have bars on the windows.

I'm even more glad now that Bella asked me to come with her. I wouldn't have wanted her in this part of town on her own.

We reach Charlotte's building and I cringe a little when I see how rundown it looks.

Again, I offer Bella my hand as we head towards the door.

We enter and climb three flights of stairs before we reach apartment 3C.

Bella knocks on the door, and I take a deep breath, hoping that I've got enough strength left for both of us to make it through this.

Waiting for the door to open, I try to mentally prepare myself for whoever is on the other side of it.

But when the door opens and I see the person standing on the other side of it…I realize there isn't anything could have prepared me for this, as I mutter a "holy fucking shit" under my breath, and judging by Bella's blank, stunned look and Charlotte's "Well fuck me,"…no one else was either.

* * *

><p><strong>AN: So now we're up to chapter 45 of Learning to Let Go. Let me know your thoughts on how Edward is handling everything. **

**Also, don't forget that this story was nominated in the Twilight Eclipse Awards for Best Edward in a drabble. My story Retribution was nominated for Best Suspense/Thriller in the full length fic category and my drabble Whiskey Lullaby was nominated for Best Angst. So if you haven't yet, please go and vote by heading over to twilighteclipseawards(dot)blogspot(dot)com**

**Thanks for reading.**

**Until next week,**

**Stephanie**


	37. Chapter 37

Ever since Bella found out about my brother's affair, she hasn't been able to stop thinking about what the other woman looks like…

Whether or not she was prettier than her or skinnier, or had bigger boobs.

Honestly, I've been thinking about a lot of the same things…I can't help it…I guess it's just my way of trying to figure out why my brother threw away the best thing that ever happened to him.

Maybe it would have been easier if Charlotte had been some tall, skinny, blonde haired, blue eyed woman with Dolly Parton tits.

Because this…what's standing in front of me makes it all that harder to process.

Because the person standing in front of me makes me wonder if Bella had a twin she never knew about.

She looks so much like Bella, it's eerie, but because she does I know it's going to hurt Bella all the more.

I can already see the thoughts running through her head…wondering what about her wasn't enough for Evan.

What was so different about her that he were with her…for a year.

The thing is though…I can see the subtle differences between them…the softness of Bella's eyes, the gentleness of Bella's smile, the way the natural red highlights in Bella's hair radiate in the sunlight as if she's an angel sent down to walk amongst us mere mortals…Charlotte has none of it…has none of Bella's innate goodness and grace.

It's why I'm so utterly flabbergasted by Charlotte's appearance, and from her reaction to seeing Bella, she is too.

After a few minutes, she invites us inside.

As we walk into her apartment, Bella grabs onto my hand, and I squeeze it reassuringly, reminding her that I'm here for her, that I'm not going anywhere…ever.


	38. Chapter 38

Walking into Charlotte's apartment, it's immediately evident as to what she meant in her letter when she said she wouldn't be able to care for a child.

It seems like she's barely making it on her own.

She lives in a small studio apartment.

Yellow walls, a bed, a used sofa and a well worn table with some chairs are all that grace the space.

There's certainly no room for a child here.

I remember Bella told me that Charlotte said she moved here after Evan walked away from her, and I can't help but wonder why she chose a place like this…or what her old place looked like.

She offers Bella and I a place on the sofa and then offers us something to drink.

I politely decline, but when she reaches into her small fridge, I notice how empty it is, as if she can't afford to keep enough food for herself.

She grabs one of the chairs from the table and sits across from us.

"You look just like him…he told me he had a twin, but I never thought you'd be so identical…except for the eyes," she softly says to me.

It's still difficult for to hear those things normally, but to hear my brother's mistress say it…as if she's thinking longingly of him…I can't, I won't tolerate it and struggle mask my emotions.

"We're not here to talk about me," I tell her through gritted teeth, trying to tamp down my anger and distaste for her before I lash out as say something exceedingly rude or cruel.

"No…no, I suppose you aren't," Charlotte says before directing her attention to Bella. "So…what would you like to know?"


	39. Chapter 39

Bella looks at me like with a deer in headlights expression on her face.

Leaning in, I whisper to her.

"Take your time, and breathe. It's going to be okay. I'm here for you, you won't have to do this alone."

She nods and then redirects her attention on Charlotte.

"I need to know everything," she tells her. "So why don't you start at the beginning and go from there."

Charlotte nods, and takes a moment, and then she tells us everything…

How she started out as a client of Evan's.

That she was instantly attracted to him.

How at first he resisted her outright flirting during business lunches, but that after a while he started flirting back.

How one night after a long meeting, Evan took her out to dinner, which led to drinks…a few too many on both their parts, and eventually the two of them ended up in her bed.

How the business relationship ended when her company went belly up because of the economy.

That the two of them remained friendly, never speaking of that one night until over a month later when they both gave in to temptation again.

She tells us how she fell in love with him, but didn't say anything about it for a while.

How she hoped that Evan would love her the way she loved him…that he would take care of and provide for her.

How she would convince herself every time Evan would bring Bella up that she could get him to leave Bella.

How she started getting desperate when Evan told her he was feeling guilty for cheating on his wife…that things with her shouldn't have happened…that he felt he was weak and stupid for giving in to temptation.

How after that, she knew she was losing him, and how she acted out of desperation in an attempt to keep him.

It's so much to process all at once.

It makes me confused as to how I should think about my brother, or if I should feel angry at him or sad for him.

The first instance…it was a drunken mistake, not excusable by any means, but much easier to understand…it's the fact that he returned to her, stayed with her for as long as he did especially when he had a wonderful, devoted wife at home…a wife some people would do anything to be able to call their own…it's inexcusable in my eyes.

I take a deep breath to try to calm down, reminding myself that I need to be strong for Bella, as Charlotte prepares to continue on with her story.


	40. Chapter 40

I can see how Bella is reeling from everything Charlotte is telling us, she's so much stronger than she gives herself credit for as she manages to keep her emotions in check, never allowing Charlotte to see her cry.

Charlotte excuse herself to the bathroom, and while she's there, I lean over and ask Bella if she's okay…if she would prefer to just leave now.

She shakes her head no, and tells me that she'd rather get it all done today and be done with her.

I take a deep breath as Charlotte sits back down and continues talking…

She talks about how she tried subtle hints at first…leaving wedding magazines and things around her apartment, but that Evan would just ignore it.

She tells us how Evan never worried about protection because she had always said she never wanted children and was on the pill.

Explains how she knew Evan was planning a family with Bella, and thought that if she ended up pregnant it would get him to stay, so she stopped taking her birth control.

She cries when she talks about how two months later when she told him she was pregnant, that he flipped out and screamed at her for ruining his life.

Personally I can't stop thinking how he ruined it all on his own…and in the process…destroyed so many others as well.

She tells us how Evan never touched her again after that.

Finally, she tells us about Valentine's Day and how Evan walked away from her for good, and how not long after, with a dwindling bank account and too many memories of him around, she moved out of her apartment to where she is now.

She tells us how she loved the fact that the baby was a part of him, but that she knew she could never be a decent mother or provide the care a child needs…how she wanted the baby to have a loving family, and so she chose Bella, knowing that even if Bella couldn't take her, that she could make sure she was cared for by Evan's family.

We're all quiet for a while…I don't think any of us know what to say.

I try to think of anything else Bella might need or want to ask or know…and the fact remains there are plenty of things I'd love to ask too, but she'd never be able to answer because the only person who could answer is Evan.


	41. Chapter 41

I'm snapped out of my thoughts when I realize Charlotte is asking Bella something.

"How…how is she? How's Evangeline doing?" she questions nervously.

The minute the question is out there, my hackles are up…how dare this woman even think to ask about Bella's daughter. She gave her up and washed her hands of her…she has no right to even be thinking about that child.

I open my mouth to tell her off, but before I can even get a word out, Bella lets loose on her.

"Excuse me?" she says, trying to keep calm even though I can see the question is pushing her precariously close to the edge.

"I…I was just wondering about the baby," Charlotte mumbles. I think she's sensing she's crossed a line with this question.

"You don't have the right to wonder about the baby. You fucked _my_ husband. Ignored the fact that he had a wife. Got pregnant just out of desperation, and then when he left you, you tossed the baby aside because you couldn't handle it and expected someone else to clean up your mess. You signed away your rights to her. Legally, she is mine, so no…you don't get to ask about her. You don't even get to think about her."

Bella's yelling by the time she finishes what she's saying, I no doubt look pissed, and Charlotte is crying.

Frankly I couldn't care less about her tears.

All I know is that I need to get Bella out of here and back home before she really loses it.

I guess she must be thinking the same thing because she turns to me and whispers.

"Edward, please…take me home."

I nod my head and help her off the couch, and without another look at the poor excuse for a woman sitting in front of us, I guide Bella out of the apartment, slamming the door shut behind me.

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><p><strong>AN: Well..I think Edward handled all of that relatively well. What do you all think? Be sure to click that little button and leave a review to let me know your thoughts. We're all caught up now to chapter 50 of Learning to Let Go. **

**Also, don't forget that this story was nominated in the Twilight Eclipse Awards for Best Edward in a drabble. My story Retribution was nominated for Best Suspense/Thriller in the full length fic category and my drabble Whiskey Lullaby was nominated for Best Angst. So if you haven't yet, please go and vote by heading over to twilighteclipseawards(dot)blogspot(dot)com**

**Thanks for reading.**

**Until next week,**

**Stephanie**


	42. Chapter 42

On the way home, I call my parents and tell them that Evangeline would be staying the night with them.

Bella hated the idea of not having her home with her, but at the same point…she needed the night to just process everything.

We got all the answers we possibly could from Charlotte, but I can see how angry and frustrated Bella is that she still has so many unanswered ones because Evan is the only one who could answer them. I feel the same way to be honest.

Morning comes quickly and Mom and Dad both come to drop off the baby.

They ask Bella how's she doing after having the meeting with Charlotte, and she tells them she's okay, that it'll take time to work through it all, but I can see the truth in her eyes…she's so far from okay that it's a miracle she hasn't had a mental breakdown yet. I'm worried for her, because I know sooner or later she's going to crack…all I can do is hope that I'm here to pick up the pieces and put her back together when she does.

They ask us what we found out, but Bella tell's them she'd rather wait until everyone is together to talk it over. I can't really blame her…lord knows I don't exactly want to rehash any of this more than is necessary either.

We all meet up for dinner that night, and after we eat, Bella and I tell them all about what happened with Charlotte.

Emmett and Jasper are angry about what Evan's done.

Mom and Dad are shocked.

Alice and Rose I think are in a bit of a state of disbelief.

In a way we all are I think…I guess up until now, we all knew what Evan had done…Evangeline was proof of it, but to finally have contacted the woman, to speak with her, to hear about when and where and how often it happened…makes it all the more real.

Everyone heads home except for the night, but I stay with Bella. I can tell how exhausted she is, and Evangeline is being a bit fussy, so I offers to spend the night so she can get some much needed rest.

When we're back home, I can't help but watch Bella as she holds Evangeline.

I can't help but think of what it would have been like if this was her and I…if it was me that she had married…if we had gotten the chance to start a family of our own.

Would our own child look like Eva does?

Would we have had a daughter or a son?

And then reality crashes in and reminds me that our marriage was so far from a possibility that all it will ever be is a fantasy, that while Eva is my family…she isn't mine, and that while I do and always will love Bella…I lost any chance I had with her long ago.


	43. Chapter 43

Bella and I have settled into a nice routine with Eva now.

I go over to their house to help during the afternoons now…every day.

Bella keeps telling me that I don't have to, but I want to and make sure I tell her that. I let her know that I want to be here for her, because she shouldn't have to deal with all of this on her own. What I don't tell her is that for me, it's giving me the chance to live out my dream…to pretend to have a family with her, because that's all it will ever be…a fantasy, I'll never have the chance to turn it into a dream come true.

So while I handle lunch and the afternoon with Evangeline, Bella gets to finally take a shower, and a nap, and run errands if she has to.

Sometimes Mom or Alice or Rose come over too.

I try not to laugh every time Mom or Alice tries to keep that stupid teddy bear of Evan's near Eva.

They won't listen to me or Bella when we tell them that Eva doesn't like it…she always tosses it out of her crib or away from wherever she is.

They don't listen to Bella about a lot of things…I've realized I'm the only one who really seems to listen to her, to ask about her and her needs and wants and not just the baby's.

I keep telling her that I think she needs to speak up and say something…she's too afraid to though.

Not because she don't want to hurt their feelings, but because she still has so much of her emotions to work through in regards to Evan, that she's afraid she'll take out her anger at him on them.

I've also mentioned that she should think about seeing a counselor or something to work through it all…or at least open up to me.

I worry because she won't ever even speak about any of it anymore unless she absolutely have to…she's bottling it all up and it's not healthy.

Maybe I should take some of my own advice though, because the truth is…I feel the same as Bella does. Outside of her, no one asks about me or how I've been coping. Maybe I need to talk about it…maybe I need to say something to the rest of the family…because right now, I feel like I'm reaching my limit.


	44. Chapter 44

It's days like today when I'm not sure how Bella is handling this alone.

Eva's sick…she's thrown up and she has the runs, and on top of that she's teething.

All night and all day she's been crying nonstop.

Her computer crashed so she's lost all her work files and is on the verge of a panic attack since her deadline is less than a week away.

The washing machine broke down and flooded her laundry room.

And to top it all off she has to get dinner ready because the family is coming over tonight.

I know she feels bad about relying on me as much as she has been, but I really don't mind, and she needs me today more than anything. Besides, it's not like anyone else has really stepped up to the plate to help Bella out either.

She needs someone to just let her have a break...or at least twenty minutes of peace so she can shower.

I can tell she's starting to lose it. She's tried so hard to keep up the façade that she's doing okay, but I can see right through it.

But now…I worry because it's becoming more and more noticeable. I can see the cracks in her mask forming…I see the fear in her eyes that at any second, everything she's worked so hard to keep together…the small pieces of her life she's managed to reconstruct…are going to come tumbling down all around her.

Mom's grated on Bella's last nerve…going on and on how she shouldn't let Eva cry the way she is.

Well...she's been crying all damn day and Bella needs a break, and it won't kill her to cry for just a little while…it'll help her learn how to self soothe.

But Mom just won't let it go…

It's like she can't remember that Bella is Eva's parent.

Alice and Rose too…always harping about stuff that's hardly even important…like the fact that Bella looks messy with her shirt that is stained with baby food.

I wish they would lay off. They don't have a clue how hard she works to just keep going every day. How much she does to try to keep everyone happy. So sorry that she's been too busy trying to raise a baby, work, and put dinner on the table for everyone to worry about looking like a goddamn supermodel fresh off the fucking runway. Personally I think she's absolutely gorgeous the way she is…baby food shirt and all.

I try to keep myself calm…it doesn't work.

Apparently Bella can't keep calm any longer either, because the next thing I know, she's falling apart at the seams.

"Will everyone just leave me the fuck alone!" she shouts.

"Not a one of you are listening to me….Esme….you need to back the fuck off. I'm Evangeline's goddamn mother. NOT you. Try to remember that and stop telling me how to raise my child."

I'm so far gone and relieved that Bella is finally speaking up that I don't even care about the fact that my mother is crying.

"And you Carlisle….stop idolizing your son. He was an adulterer. He wasn't perfect. Accept it and move the fuck on."

"And you two…" Bella growls out while looking at Alice and Rose. "There are more important things I need to worry about than not looking like some God forsaken runway model…like the fact that my child is sick, I have piles of work to catch up on, and trying to sort through all the emotional baggage that Evan's death has left me with."

Everyone is just staring at her…no one knows what to say.

"Not a Goddamn one of you has asked me about me. If I'm okay. If I need help. If I'm even really coping with all of this crap. You're all so busy fawning over Evangeline and turning Evan into some sort of martyr that you won't even admit to yourselves just how many mistakes he made, let alone how they've affected me. The only person here who has ever shown any concern for me…for what I might be needing is Edward, and until you all sort out your shit…get the fuck out of my house."

By the end of her rant she's a sobbing mess crumpled on the floor, but I couldn't be prouder of her. The truth of what she said was harsh and no doubt hurt everyone, but it needed to be said.

I pick Bella up and carry her to her room and tuck her in bed, murmuring to her that I'm glad that she finally let some of my anger out and that I'll take care of things downstairs for her.

I stay with her until exhaustion takes her over, and as she drifts off to sleep, I head downstairs to deal with the my family.

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><p><strong>AN: Okay, this is the last chapter for tonight. We are now caught up through chapter 54 of Learning to Let Go. The next posting will be next week on Friday. It will start with the EPOV of ch 54 of what happens when he goes and deals with his family that was contributed to Fandom 4 Children. After Friday's updates, I will be increasing the frequency of the updates for this story to either 2 or 3 days per week…I'm not sure yet, so we'll see how it all pans out. Let me know what you'd like as far as posting frequency in your reviews. **

**Until next time,**

**Stephanie**


	45. Chapter 45

**A/N: So...here's the outtake I had written for Fandom 4 Children. I hope you all enjoy seeing Edward's POV of what happened at the end of chapter 54 of LTLG...**

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><p>I'm so angry over how everyone had been treating Bella lately.<p>

Which is why I'm glad she finally said something today, because lord knows if she hadn't I would have…she needed to get the anger out of her system.

I don't know how they couldn't see that she was hurting…in so much pain. It was written plainly on her face.

I get lost in my thoughts on my way back to the living room, the blow out that just happened playing over in my mind…

_"Will everyone just leave me the fuck alone!" she shouts. "Not a one of you are listening to me….Esme….you need to back the fuck off. I'm Evangeline's goddamn mother. NOT you. Try to remember that and stop telling me how to raise my child."_

_She's so far gone that I don't even think she cares about making Mom cry._

_"And you Carlisle….stop idolizing your son. He was an adulterer. He wasn't perfect. Accept it and move the fuck on," she screams at Dad._

_"And you two…" she growls out while looking at Alice and Rose. "There are more important things I need to worry about than not looking like some God forsaken runway model…like the fact that my child is sick, I have piles of work to catch up on, and trying to sort through all the emotional baggage that Evan's death has left me with."_

_Everyone is just staring at Bella…no one knows what to say._

_"Not a Goddamn one of you has asked me about me. If I'm okay. If I need help. If I'm even really coping with all of this crap. You're all so busy fawning over Evangeline and turning Evan into some sort of martyr that you won't even admit to yourselves just how many mistakes he made, let alone how they've affected me. The only person here who has ever shown any concern for me…for what I might be needing is Edward, and until you all sort out your shit…get the fuck out of my house."_

_By the end of her rant she's a sobbing mess crumpled on the floor._

I promised Bella that I would take care of things downstairs, and I mean it…things around here need to change. They may be my family, but I won't let them walk all over Bella and treat her the way they have been any more.

As soon as I'm back in the living room my anxiety and stress levels go through the roof.

Alice and Rose are huffing and puffing about Bella being rude and Mom is sobbing and trying to play the victim.

"She's right you know," I tell them all. "Not a single one of you have even given her a second thought as to how she's been handling everything that's happened. Have any of you seriously stopped to think about it at all?"

"Well…she seems fine most of the time…she never says anything about it anyway," Jasper chimes in.

"And just when _is_ she supposed to say something between Mom harping on her about how she's doing everything wrong with Evangeline and Alice or Rose getting hissy because she hasn't just walked out of an ad in Vogue?"

I try to keep my calm, but I just can't, and everything comes out in a flurry of shouts and yells.

"Seriously…all of you for one fucking second…can you just try and think about everything she's dealing with! First her husband dies…on Valentine's Day and when they were getting ready to start trying to make a family of their own no less. Then just as she's finally starting to move forward from losing the love of her life, she gets a call and finds out that she's now been left responsible for her dead husband's child that he had with his mistress. And to top it all off…the mistress could have goddamn well been her twin. So please…tell me just what the fuck is the standard protocol for handling that situation, because I sure as shit don't know what it is."

No one says anything, I just hope it's because I'm starting to get through to them.

"Now add to all of that shit that she's dealing with…add all of you. Mom with her overcorrecting every little fucking thing she does in regards to Eva, Dad with his glorifying of Evan into some damn golden boy that he never was, Emmett with his harping about how fucked up Evan was, Alice and Rose with your pushy ways and criticalness of how Bella looks and acts and how she's no fun anymore, making her feel like shit…it's enough to break any sane person down and drive them motherfucking insane!"

"Just you wait a minute there Edward," my dad interrupts. "Your brother was a good man. I raised him right. It's not right for you to go dragging him through the mud like that…"

"My brother was an adulterous asshole," I yell at my dad. "He threw away the best damn thing he ever had. He may as well have pissed on his marriage certificate. You can't ignore what he did wrong Dad. He made mistakes. He lived a lie. He turned his back on his wedding vows, and his unborn child. You can't ignore the facts."

"He was a good boy!" Mom cries.

"He was…but he was also a bad husband. He didn't handle any of what he did over the last year of his life the right way and denying that fact is hurting Bella."

"Now, I think it would be best that you all give Bella some space for a while, and you all owe her an apology. You need to rethink how you've been acting towards her and start really thinking about what she needs, what she's feeling, instead of how you think she should be doing things."

"I…I never meant to make her feel bad Edward," Emmett says. "I just…I'm just so angry over what Evan did, and Mom and Dad won't even admit he did something wrong."

Alice and Rose look properly ashamed when Alice offers her own explanation.

"We didn't know Edward…we just thought that we were helping. I mean she looks so tired all the time and seems like she's letting herself go…"

"That's because she's got the weight of the world on her shoulders and everyone, you included, are criticizing her every move," I hiss in response.

"Now…all of you help me clean up this mess from dinner, and then you are going to help me clean up this house for her. She's been juggling enough lately with Eva being sick and trying to get stuff done for work. It would be nice for her to not worry about the house too for once."

Mom and Dad look like they have more they want to say, but my glare silences them. We all split up the tasks around the house. Alice agrees to take care of the laundry while Rose handles straightening up the first floor. Jasper handles the second floor except for Bella's room and the nursery, while Mom handles the bathrooms and Dad and Emmett put away all of the untouched food from dinner and the dishes.

I keep watch over Eva, so that way Bella won't have to worry about waking up to take care of her if she cries during the night.

Two hours later, everything is done, and everyone looks tired.

"Jesus, I'm exhausted. How the hell does Bella deal with doing all of that all the time?" questions Emmett.

"She does more than just that. She also has to run errands, work, and deal with food shopping…on top of making sure Eva is taken care of too, and trying to work through all the emotions she's dealing with in regards to Evan. You'd all do well to remember that the next time you toss her needs aside like you have been," I say to all of them.

At least Emmett and Rose and Alice and Jasper seem to be understanding the error of their ways. I just hope they figure out how to change before they send Bella off to the loony bin from it all.

Mom and Dad on the other hand, seem to be a bit of a tougher nut to crack. They just don't seem to understand what I've just spent an entire evening explaining to them. Maybe they never will. Or maybe it's just too hard for them to. I mean, what parent wants to admit that their child was a screw up in the most important aspect of his life. I know I wouldn't want to be in that position. I just hope, for their sakes as well as Bella's and Eva's that they come around soon.

As everyone leaves, I remind them all about what Bella said…that they really need to sort out their own issues in regards to this whole situation before they even think of coming back to this house or contacting her again. I remind them that Bella is dealing with enough without having to add in their bullshit too, and to just think of how they would want to be treated if they were in this situation.

Mom and Dad try again to argue that they are Eva's grandparents, that they can't be kept away from her like this. I don't think they much enjoy when I tell them that they can and will be, that Bella is Eva's mother and has the right to decide who is around her child, and that I will do everything in my power to make sure her wishes are respected.

They start crying again, and maybe it makes me a bit coldhearted, but they are wasted on me, because they won't get me to change my mind on this.

"You two just don't fucking get it do you?" I say. "Let me try explaining it this way. Mom…I want you to seriously think for a minute…and pretend….can you do that?"

Seeing my mother nod her head, I continue.

"Imagine what it would be like if you and Dad were younger, right around when you were getting ready to start a family. Can you remember that? How in love you were with each other…how excited you were to start this next part of your lives together? Now I want you to imagine all of that being snatched away from you in one fell swoop because Dad gets killed in a car crash, so everything you dreamed about, everything you had planned all gets flushed down the toilet. You'll never get to hold your husband again, never get to tell him you love him, never get to make love to him again, never get the chance to have children together. Now imagine how much it would hurt to find out that the while you two were living what you thought was a happy life together, he was off with some other woman, and even had a family with her…that she got to have with him everything you'll never get the chance to have…and now everything you thought you knew…everything you thought was real is completely shattered and proven to be a lie and you'll never get the chance to get the answers you so desperately want. And to add to it all, Dad's family harps on you and criticizes your every move, your every decision, and disregards all of your feelings and needs."

Finally, I think I'm getting through to my mom, because I can see the tears on her face.

"Can you imagine that Mom? If you can even imagine a fraction of how horribly difficult it would be to deal with all of that, how terrifyingly scary it would be to be faced with that situation…how extraordinarily painful that situation would be for even the strongest of people to handle…then you'll finally be at a place to start understanding how Bella's feeling."

My parents and I just stare at each other as the silence settles around us and they process everything I've just said. After a while, it's Mom who finally breaks the silence.

"Oh God Edward…" she starts as she steps towards me.

I back away from her and cut her off though before she can finish speaking.

"Don't Mom. Just don't. I'm not the one you owe an apology and an explanation to. You owe that to Bella. But right now I think you both need to go. Leave her alone for a while, and really think about everything. Sort out everything in your head, and don't come back here until you know and understand just how much you've hurt her and are truly ready to apologize and try to fix things."

I move to the front door and open it for them, and as they walk down the driveway to their car, I feel for the first time like I've managed to get through to them. There is a certain defeated look to the both of them…like reality just knocked them on their ass and gave them a double shot of truth. Maybe now they'll finally be able to accept what is and move on from it to make things right.

Once their gone, I check on Eva again, and then grab the baby monitor and head to the guest bedroom to try to get some sleep as I sort out my own part of the plan I have for Operation Save Bella's Sanity. I already know what my plan is…now it's just a matter of getting Bella to agree that my moving in with her will be the best thing for us all.

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><p><strong>I hope you all enjoyed the update...there should be a few more updates to this story later on today. Also, I will be starting to post a brand new drabble today as well later on today. It is prewritten and will post twice a day until it is completely posted, so be sure to add me to your author alerts if you want to be able to read it. <strong>

*******IMPORTANT ANNOUNCEMENT*******

** In light of all the fics being pulled from FFnet, I am in the process of taking precautions to protect all of my work. All of my completed multi chapter fics and oneshots are now available via my blog as PDFs. You can access them by going to my blog and heading over to the PDF page. The site for my blog is lvtwilight09fanfiction(dot)blogspot(dot)com As for my WIPs, they will, for now, remain solely on FFnet. Should they get pulled for any reason, I will make them available on my blog, as well as on TWCS where I have an account as well. You can find me on TWCS under the same penname I use for FFnet, lvtwilight09. **

** Also, to further protect my account, I will be immediately pulling some of my completed fics from FFnet because of content. Mainly, that will be my fic The Honeymoon and my fic A Naughty Education, as they are quite lemony and I'm sure at some point the content of those fics will piss off some almighty FFnet admin. I have also taken the precaution to remove my oneshots After Dinner Fun and Welcome Home Baby. They are already available on my blog as PDFs, so they are available for you to read if you want.**

**As a final statement, let me be clear...I AM NOT leaving FFnet. I will always post there first and foremost, as I find it to be the easiest and most convenient site for posting. I will only be posting WIPs to other sites as a final alternative should my fics get pulled. The most up to date info on any of my stories can be found in my FB group:lvtwilight09's lovers and on my blog. If anyone has any questions, feel free to leave them in your review, or send me a PM. **


	46. Chapter 46

Bella sleeps soundly through the night and into the next day.

I'm glad she's able to rest…she's been looking so exhausted and run down lately that she was on the verge of just collapsing.

It's a little after noon when she wakes up. I can tell she's probably realized how late she's slept when I hear her running down the hall to Eva's nursery and she stops short when she sees me sitting with Eva in the rocking chair as I hum her a lullaby.

I glance up at her and offer her a smile, all the while thinking how beautiful she looks, despite her wrinkled clothes and mussed up hair.

"How…how long have you been here?" she asks nervously.

"I stayed over last night…in the guest room. You needed a break, and I was more than happy to help."

I can instantly see the guilt creep across her face over leaving me to care for my baby, and I know I need to stop her train of thought in it's tracks.

"Bella, stop it." I say. "Don't do that to yourself. You have nothing to feel bad about. It's okay to need a break once in a while. Besides…it gave me a chance to have some quality time with my little cutie pie here."

I get Eva settled into her crib for a nap, and then we head down to the kitchen where I makes us both some lunch.

I can't help but enjoy having being here with Bella, nor can I stop letting my mind wander into a world of fantasy where this is actually mine and Bella's life as husband and wife.

Being around her is a comfort for me…I don't feel so lonely all the time, and it's nice having someone need me…someone to take care of.

After we finish eating, we finally talk about the elephant in the room…Bella's meltdown last night.

She tells me that while she's sorry for exploding the way she did, that she's not sorry for what she's said.

I think I surprise her a bit when I tell her that I agree with her, as well as how I think she should have said it all a long time ago.

We talk about what happened after she went to bed, and I tell her how the family has agreed to give her some space for a while.

But the last thing I bring up…I'm nervous about, and I don't exactly know how to address it, so I just decide to do it quickly and to the point.

"So it'd decided then," I say, a bervous smile on my face. "I'll be moving in with you."

I swear you're brother can be as stubborn as you were sometimes.

We spend the next two hours bickering over this whole "moving in" thing.

In the end though, I win.

I'll be boxing up and selling my house, and moving in here with Bella as soon as possible.

The reality is, her house is more than big enough…she has two guest bedrooms, and now that most of Evan's stuff has been stored away…there is plenty of space in the home office for me to be able to work from there.

When I really think about it thought, Bella didn't really fight all that hard against me moving in, and I can't help but wonder what that means.


	47. Chapter 47

The next two weeks pass by in a blur.

Bella and I spend a lot of time packing up stuff in my house and making room in hers for when I move in.

All the boxes lying around make me feel like it's just Bella and I starting out in life together and moving in to our first home, and for a moment…I almost forgot she isn't mine, and I almost forgot that Evan messed up everything…then Eva cried, and I remembered the reality of what my life is…the caring, sweet brother in law…not the loving, devoted husband.

We talked again about my moving in…Bella said she had to bring it up just one more time because she wants me to be sure about my decision.

She was worried about so much for me…

What the family will think…

What will friends thing…

Is it what I really want, or am I doing it because I feel like I somehow owe her to make up for what Evan did…

But I'm more than sure about my choice…

I doesn't care what the family, our friends, or even the neighbors think.

I want to take whatever money I get from selling my house and use it to pay off the mortgage on hers and then put the rest into the college fund we set up for Eva.

And I make sure to let her know that I know I don't owe her anything, that I wants to do this for her and for Evangeline, because they both deserve to have a home full of care, kindness, and love…something my brother clearly didn't provide.


	48. Chapter 48

I love being able to spend time with Evangeline.

I am loving living with Bella.

And these past two weeks make me realize how happy I am that I'm here with her, and just how lonely I have been.

We've found our groove of taking care of Eva together.

We alternate nights for who gets up when she cries, we take her for walks in the park together.

People look at us like we're any other happily married couple…if they only knew that the truth of our situation is the kind of things that make up Jerry Springer's dreams.

But it's nice not feeling so frazzled and run down all the time.

Sure Bella still feels tired, and I do too, but it's so much better having someone to lean on and help you get through it all.

It's great to finally just be able to see Bella enjoy having Eva here with her, instead of looking like she's trying to juggle flaming chainsaws all day long.

We're moving in all of my stuff today.

Angela offered to watch Eva at her house while we do it.

I was thankful for that…Bella's not ready to allow Eva around the family again just yet…at least not until they can realize how much they've hurt her and apologize.

We ended up deciding to move most of my furniture into the house with us.

I brought up the idea, and Bella thought it would be a good one…a chance to start over, and get many of the reminders of Evan out of the house, so most of the stuff they picked out after they were married will be getting sent to Goodwill.

I know it sounds harsh, like I'm just trying to replace my brother but I'm not…no matter how much I love seeing my things mingled with Bella's…she just needs the change to have a fresh start so she can try to rebuild a happy life for herself.

She's still keeping a lot of Evan's things, but I think she needs a break from being reminded of him and what he's done everywhere she looks, making her doubt every second of her marriage…making her doubt everything about herself.

And those doubts and thoughts aren't healthy…she need to do this for herself; I need to do help her do this for Eva…so she can be the best mother she can for her.

It takes all morning and most of the afternoon to load up my things, move out the furniture in Bella's house and move mine in, but at the end of the day, after we both put Eva to sleep for the night and we're just relaxing in the living room and watching a movie, and I see a small, genuine smile creep across Bella's face, I realize that for the first time since all of this began, I truly feel happy, and that maybe…in some small way, I'm helping Bella feel that way too.

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><p><strong>*****<strong>**IMPORTANT ANNOUNCEMENT***********

**I know I said I would be backing up my fics to TWCS, but I have found that site to be far more trouble than it's worth. AO3 (Archive of Our Own) is much easier to navigate, at least for me. So, I am set up over there with an account, under the same penname as here, and have already started posting some of my completed work there. I will be uploading Learning to Let Go next, followed by Holding on to Hope, so that it will update both there and here at the same time. As I said before, I have NO plans on leaving FFnet, but I will be posting on AO3 as well from now on, and if anything of mine should disappear from here, please know that any information about it will be found on my FB group: lvtwilight09's lovers or on my blog: .com**


	49. Chapter 49

Happy can only last for so long before reality sets in.

My house sold quickly, and the money from the sale was enough to pay off the mortgage here on Bella's house and put enough money into Eva's college fund so that she probably won't even need to think the words 'student loans'.

I think that's what brought reality back to us…my house being sold…up until then, Bella and I had been dancing around the real situations and issues we needed to deal with, content to have just found a happy medium where we both had found some modicum of comfort, because about a week after the ink was dry on the papers from selling the house, we got a call from my parents asking if they could come over.

We couldn't avoid them forever, so we agreed, and now here we are…waiting for them to come over for lunch.

We've had Angela take Eva for the afternoon though…I don't want her around in case an argument starts, and Bella absolutely refuses to let them around her until everything is sorted out and they apologize. I think she was nervous about how I would react to her saying that, but I fully support her decision.

Once Mom and Dad get to the house, I let them in, and I can tell they're surprised when they see so much of my furniture around, but they don't say anything about it.

We all sit in the dining room and eat, the silence deafening.

I'm not sure anyone knows what to say, but I do know that it won't be Bella or me who starts this conversation…my parents wanted this get together, they can start the talking too as far as I'm concerned.

Eventually, as we're all finishing up our food, Dad finally speaks.

"Bella," he says in a very tired voice. "We owe you an apology."

I'll give Dad credit…he doesn't beat around the bush.

"I shouldn't have ignored the reality of what was," he says. "It's just…as a father, I had strived, and hoped and prayed that I had raised my children right…taught them how to be good, upstanding people. And…hearing what Evan had done…how he betrayed you, how he turned his back on his child…I couldn't accept it, because accepting that meant accepting that I failed as a father."

He breaks down crying for a moment before continuing.

"I thought that if I just focused on the fact that he was my son, and all the good memories, that I could erase all the wrong he had done…that I could pretend that he really was the good man that I thought I had raised him to be."

Mom starts talking soon after Dad finishes.

"I was so wrong with how I acted Bella," she says. "I didn't want to accept that Evan had done the things he did. I was already mourning the loss of my son, and knowing what he did…I thought I had done something wrong as a mother. I thought that Evangeline could be my chance to right the wrongs…that if I was a good enough grandmother, it would have made up for my shortcomings as a parent, and in the process I disregarded you and your feelings, ignored your needs, and disregarded the fact that you are Eva's mother, not me…I'm so sorry Bella."

"As am I, Bella," Dad chimes in. "So very, very sorry, and we can only hope that one day you can forgive us."

This isn't at all what I expected. I don't think Bella was expecting this either. I was so prepared for arguments and shouting and fighting, but not this.

Not my parents showing up here repentant and willingly admitting their faults, acknowledging what they've done wrong.

There's still so much that needs to be talked about, so I say the only thing I can think of.

"Why don't we continue this conversation in the living room."


	50. Chapter 50

I bring in the cups and the pot of coffee as we all settle down on the couches.

I watch as Bella takes a sip of hers, and takes a moment to collect her thoughts. It takes everything in me to stifle my anger at my brother for the fact that his actions have made my parents feel like a failure, but before my emotions can even being to rage out of control, Bella voice captures my attention.

"First off, you need to realize that neither of you are failures as parents," she tells them. "You have three other children, who have grown into wonderful adults. You can't hold yourself responsible for every choice Evan ever made. You raised him right, provided him with the tools to be a good person, but he was the one who had to choose what to do with them. He was an adult and made his own decisions…not all of them right."

Bella takes a moment to calm her nerves and catch her breath before continuing, and I can't stop myself from taking her hand in mine and offering a gentle squeeze of reassurance as she starts talking again.

"That doesn't however, excuse the way you made me feel. Your actions and words made me feel as if I didn't matter or have any worth. You left me feeling ignored and incompetent as a parent, and that the only reason you ever even bothered coming around was because I was raising your granddaughter."

My parents sob quietly as they listen to what Bella has to say, and I start to cry a little myself as I see Bella's tears start to fall too. It makes me want to just hold her and whisk her away from this painful situation, but I know that I need to let her get all of this out if we ever hope to move forward from here.

"I will not stand for being treated like that anymore", she says. "And maybe part of the blame is on me for not voicing my needs, feelings, and concerns earlier, but I won't allow that kind of behavior around my daughter. Now I know she's your grandchild, but I won't hesitate to take her far away from here and you if you don't change the way you've acting around me and treating me."

The thought of Bella moving away brings everyone up short. It's something she's never mentioned to me, and I can't even bear to think of not getting to see her every day. The idea of losing her forever, even though I hold no claim to her heart now…would destroy me, and it is something I realize I'm going to need to figure out a way to address…either by finally opening up fully to her, or by trying to find a way to push past these feelings for her that I've held on to for so long.

Conversation eases up somewhat after Bella says what she needs to.

We talk about how we will work on communicating more, and Mom and Dad are both understanding that Bella wants nothing to do with the rest of the family until we've all hashed everything out.

Talk quickly transfers over to my moving in.

My parents raise their concerns over what other people will say or think, especially since I'm Evan's twin, but they also agree when I say that what everyone else thinks or says isn't important because we are doing what's best for Evangeline.

As Mom and Dad leave to head home, I can see Bella finally relax, as though a weight has lifted off of her shoulders, and I am glad when they ask if it would be possible for them to come over to spend time with Eva some time this week.

Bella agrees that it would be good, as she's surely missing her grandparents, and promise to call the next day to set up a time for them to come over again.

Once Mom and Dad are gone, I ask Bella how she's feeling now that she's cleared the air with Carlisle and Esme.

"Good," she tells me. "Really good."

And then, I'm not sure why, she just hugs me tightly, holding me to her and refusing to let me go…not that I would ever want her to.


	51. Chapter 51

The rest of the family came over today.

I think Mom and Dad had something to do with it.

Things have been better between Bella and Carlisle and Esme. They're happy to see Evangeline again, and they also made time to just talk to Bella and I…to see if either of us need anything, to see how each of us is doing.

Things with Alice, Jasper, Emmett, and Rose went much the same as with your parents.

They apologized and told us they knew they were wrong.

We all agreed to work together to move forward, and put that part of the past behind us.

At least that part of the day went well.

The other part…dealing with Bella's parents…didn't go so well.

They had finally accepted that Bella wasn't giving up Evangeline…and had even warmed up to the whole idea of being grandparents, but they hadn't been by the house since I had moved in.

Bella knew she needed to tell them, especially since they were coming over for dinner tomorrow, and neither of us wanted them blindsided, so she called them today to tell them.

They were furious…they yelled a lot, and then decided that, in their own words, that they "Would deal with this disgraceful situation tomorrow."

Bella was heartbroken, and it killed me to see her hurt again, especially by her own parents because of a decision that I had made.

Bella's parents came over, and dinner went as I expected it to…not well.

Not only were they already pissed about the whole me moving in, they were furious when they realized that most of the furniture in the house was mine.

They told Bella that she was disgracing Evan's memory, although they also didn't like it when I reminded them how they couldn't give a shit about him when they found out about Evangeline and how they told Bella to get rid of the kid because she wasn't her problem.

They accused Bella of being as bad as Evan…said that she was hopping from one brother to another because it was convenient and because I was just a substitute for him…that she should be ashamed of what she was doing.

They're words struck me deep. Bella and I had, admittedly become closer in the time that I had moved in, and on my part, I couldn't help but hold on to the hope that maybe she was beginning to develop feelings for me.

But her parents words…that I was just a substitute for Evan…I can't help but wonder if they are true. Is it easy for her to be close to me because I'm just a reminder of her lost love? Does she only just see me as a convenient do over for her failed marriage?

My heart tells me no, that her parents accusations are wrong, because Bella is a good and kind person…one of the only ones to ever see me as Edward, an individual, and not just Evan's twin.

Bella couldn't deal with their horrible accusations and judgments, so she kicked them out.

She told them not to contact her again until they could accept her and the way she lives her life without passing judgment because they're her parents…they should accept her as is, no questions asked.

They were so angry, I don't know when or if Bella will ever hear from them again, and frankly I couldn't care in this moment. I'm tired of people being unsupportive and passing judgement...if they can't just respect her need to do things her own way...screw 'em.

I'm so angry at Evan for putting Bella in a situation like this.

All of this is because of him…because he couldn't keep his goddamn dick in his goddamn pants.

I'm tired of feeling like this all the time…all this anger and hurt and frustration with only ever a fleeting moment of happiness…I'm tired of seeing Bella struggle to work through her feelings about Evan and what he did all the time…I'm tired of it all.

I need to find a way…I need to just keep holding on to hope that soon there will be a better tomorrow.

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><p><strong>AN: Okay, this brings us up to chapter 65 of Learning to Let Go. More chapters should post later this week, but I am in the middle of taking an educational law class, so I need to take care of school work first before playing around with Edward some more. Leave me some love and click that button to tell me what you think of how Edward is handling everything.**

**Until next time,**

**Steph**


	52. Chapter 52

It's been two weeks since the blow out with Bella's parents.

They haven't made contact, and I don't think Bella plans to either…as far as I'm concerned, the ball is in their court.

Bella's been trying so hard to move forward, put all the hurt behind her…but it's difficult.

Especially on nights like tonight where she think it's a good idea to pull out all the old scrapbooks and try to remember that her and Evan were happy together once.

Add in a couple of classes of wine, and she's a blubbering mess.

I go in to check on her as soon as I hear her.

I try to bet understanding about what she needs, because she's been amazing at understanding me.

She doesn't pry, she just wraps her arm around me and offers me what comfort she can when she sees that I need it.

Eventually I pry the book away from her, and lay her down in bed.

I stay with her, holding her and telling her that things will get easier with time, hoping that my words will be true for her some day soon.

I'm not sure when I drift off, but when I wake up…I feel truly rested for the first time in a long time.

And that's when I realize…that Bella is still wrapped in my arms…that I stayed with her the entire night, holding her as we both slept.

Looking at her as she sleeps, I can see the way there is an inexplicable peacefulness to her, as if she's never been touched by the tragedy or heartache that have become her life.

I don't want to wake her, and so I just lay there, watching her sleep.

It's as I watch her that I realize how easily I could get used to this…but reality is a sobering thing. I know this is something that I can't, and shouldn't get used to, because the reality of Bella and I…of us being together, is nothing more than just a dream.


	53. Chapter 53

I quietly shift out of bed when Eva's cries come through the baby monitor.

Bella walks in as I'm changing Eva's diaper and getting her into a fresh outfit for the day.

Neither of us mention of the fact that I slept in the same bed as her last night.

In fact, neither of us mention it at all the entire day, but every time I look at her, I can't help the slight fluttering that occurs in the pit of my stomach.

I catch myself watching her more and more, and I notice all the small, wonderful things about her, as if I'm falling in love with her all over again.

Like how wonderful she is with Eva…how whoever she chooses to marry, if she ever does again, will be lucky to have her because she is an amazingly wonderful mother.

The thought of her finding someone makes me a little sad though.

As much as I want her to find happiness, I've truly been loving here with her, getting to be the man in her and Eva's life for all intents and purposes, and will hate to have to leave, despite knowing that the arrangement we have now could never be a permanent one.


	54. Chapter 54

Time flies when you're raising a child.

It also flies as you work to put the past behind you.

Bella's made a lot of progress, and has truly begin to heal.

I'm not as angry at my brother any more either…don't get me wrong…I'm still hurt and upset about how he just threw everything he had with Bella away…but the raging anger has passed.

It's progress at least.

In two weeks it'll be a year since Evan's been gone, and I am in all honesty a bit nervous about how Bella will handle it.

Eva started crawling. Bella and I were playing with her in the living room and I guess she wanted her sock monkey toy because pushed herself up off the floor and just crawled right to it.

I was so proud of her, and I had to catch myself before referring to myself as her father and how proud I was of "Daddy's little girl".

Although now she's crawling around everywhere in the house faster than I can keep up with her.

Thank God we already baby proofed everything.

I can't help but giggle as I play with her…I keep leading her with that damn sock monkey, and she keeps on crawling after it…even though Bella keeps telling me she's not a pet…it's just too much fun to stop doing it.

It's only going to be a matter of time now before she starts walking, and then lord knows I'll be in for a world of trouble trying to keep up with her considering the amount of energy she has.

She's crawling towards me again, and stops right in front of me before unceremoniously plopping down on her butt.

I love the way she looks at me…like she know who I am and how much I wish I really was her daddy.

I can tell she knows she's loved.

And that's when she says it…her first word…as if she's talking straight to me…"Da-da"


	55. Chapter 55

Eva's words echo in my head.

I'm so afraid of how Bella's going to react to this.

I don't want her to think I'm trying to overstep my boundaries, no matter how much I want to cross the line from uncle to father, and from friendly brother-in-law to husband and lover.

I don't even bother hiding how nervous I am after we put Eva down for a nap.

I'm not even sure how to address today's development, so I wait for Bella to say something.

"You are her Daddy," she tells me. And I cannot even begin to express what her saying that means to me.

Because there is nothing more that I want, other than Bella, than to be that beautiful baby girl's daddy. Evan may have been her father…but he never loved her…never even wanted her.

I do…I always will.

Bella says to me everything that I'm thinking…maybe it's because it's because I feel something taking root and starting to grow between us no matter how much I push it aside, but I don't feel the need to be nervous or worry anymore. Especially after she tells me the one thing I truly needed to know…that as far as Eva is concerned, my role in her life is secure.

"Your brother may have been her father, but you are her Da Da. You're the one who holds her, and cares for her, and make sure she's okay. I mean…if you're not comfortable with it, I completely understand, but I don't think Uncle Edward is the right title for you…Daddy is."

I don't think I have ever loved her as much as I do in this moment, because although she may not realize it, she has given me the most wonderfully precious gift today, and if all I ever get to be for her in this life is daddy to her little girl, then it is more than enough for me.


	56. Chapter 56

My brother's mass today was solemn.

A lot of his friends came, along with the entire family.

Mom and Dad cry both at the church and at the gravesite.

Bella didn't cry at all…I felt a little sad at remembering how Evan was at one point my idol and how I used to want to be just like him, until I found out who he really was.

It doesn't mean that I don't miss him, or the good times we had together.

But I've come to accept that he wasn't the man I thought he was.

Bella's anger over it all still lingers like a glowing ember, I can still see it in her eyes from time to time, but it is no longer the raging fury she had coursing through her for so long.

And, I don't know if it's my own wishful thinking or reality when I see her glancing my way with a small smile on her face when she thinks I'm not looking.

Maybe it's a sign that she's ready to move forward.

Maybe she's finally letting it all go.

Maybe I should hold on to hope just a little while longer that I might get a happily ever after of my own.


	57. Chapter 57

Eva said "ma-ma" today.

Bella was feeding her and she was giggling at the airplane noises BellaI was making and then she just said it.

It was the sweetest thing I've ever heard.

My parents were there to hear it.

They also got to hear her say Da-Da again.

At first they looked a little apprehensive when Bella and I encouraged her, but Bella simply told them that I was her daddy…more than Evan ever wanted to be or would have been.

I'm sure it sounded harsh, but Mom and Dad handled it better than I thought.

They told me that while they were sad that Eva couldn't know Evan, that they understood what Bella meant, and that I was certainly a wonderful daddy.

Mom started watching me and Bella a little more carefully after that whenever we interacted.

I think she suspects…I think she knows that there's an attraction there.

At least it's what I think is an attraction on Bella's part…it's still confusing…I really need to sort it all out.


	58. Chapter 58

I've spent a lot of time this week thinking.

About Bella.

About whether there is a possibility of a future for her and I together.

About me and what I want for my future.

The future…every time I think about it, I can't help but picture Bella in it with me.

I thought a lot about how Bella feels about me too.

Whether there is a real attraction there or not.

I think there is.

I know it's a bit unconventional…having feelings for your dead brother's wife…even more so when that brother is an identical twin, but it feels right.

When I first saw her all those years ago, I swore I would never find someone who's beauty compared to hers and I was right.

And then there are the little things…with how caring she is, and how she takes such good care of me…worrying about how I've coped with losing my brother.

Or how we laugh at the same things, or how she fits perfectly in my arms when we watch a scary movie.

The way I feel light and happy when I'm with her, in a way I've never ever felt before.

How she so easily let me into her and Eva's lives and made it clear that she wants me to always be a part of them.

I feel this connection to her…something rooted deep in my soul, deeper I think that what I think it ever was when I first knew I wanted to be with her.

I think she might feel the same way, but I'm not sure.

The way she looks at me sometimes, it's like she's got all these emotions swimming beneath the surface trying to break free, buts he's afraid to let them loose.

I so desperately want to declare myself to her, but I can't.

Not yet…

I'm too afraid of losing her, of losing Eva she doesn't feel the same way.

She's too important, and it would kill me to lose her in my life.

So for now, I'll keep quiet and maintain the status quo.

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><p><strong>AN: So this brings us up to chapter 74 of Learning to Let Go. Leave me a review and let me know what you're thinking about everything going on in Edward's head.**


	59. Chapter 59

**A/N: So we have a little time jump here. Remember, Evan died on Valentine's Day (he was 27 at the time). Evangeline was born just about four months later. That means we've already passed one birthday for Bella & Edward already (which makes them 28) and are on to the second one since we're at the beginning of June. Hope this helps with keeping track of ages and such!**

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><p>Eva walked today.<p>

Grabbed right onto the coffee table, pulled herself up and took her first steps.

I got it all on camera…thank God for cell phones that record video.

Bella hugged me when she realized I managed to capturing the moment.

I couldn't bear to let go of her afterwards either.

I feel complete when she is in my arms.

We started talking about Eva's birthday today.

It's coming up soon.

Which also means mine is too, and by default, Evan's as well.

I know I want to say something to Bella about how I feel.

But maybe my birthday isn't the best time for me to say something since Evan will no doubt be on her mind…at least in some aspect.

I'm just so unsure…if she doesn't feel the same way, it could ruin everything…and I wouldn't want that.


	60. Chapter 60

Eva's birthday party was great.

We had it at the park and invited all her friends from her Mommy and Me class.

The whole family was there too.

We took plenty of great pictures.

Although there are a few of me, Eva, and Bella that are my favorite.

The way we look in them…we look like a family.

Any outsider looking at them would think it was a picture of a husband and wife with their baby girl.

Is it so wrong that I want that picture to become a reality?

I have to believe that Evan would want me to find happiness for myself, that he would want Bella to be happy again, and I think we could be happy together.

I know it's unconventional, that it might cause people to talk…but if my brother's death taught me anything, it's that life is too short.

I don't want to be alone anymore, and I don't want to live wondering what if…I've done that for most of my life already.

I'm going to talk to Bella…tell her how I feel.

Soon.


	61. Chapter 61

I can't help the nerves that I've been feeling the past few days.

I've noticed something was a bit off with Bella…she's been a bit quiet and distant with me, and I'm not quite sure what is wrong.

Does she not want me around anymore?

It's confusing me, because today is my birthday and despite her being distant, she seemed fine today.

We did lunch with the family earlier.

I just wanted a low key thing, nothing special.

Bella told me she'd make me dinner.

The meal was delicious…she made all of my favorites.

And I loved the gift from Bella and Eva…it was one of the pictures of the three of us at Eva's birthday party that Bella had framed for me…I almost cried when I opened it because that picture…it's a symbol of everything I want with Bella.

Now that we've finished dessert and Eva's been put to bed, we're relaxing in the living room, but Bella's acting weird again.

She seems nervous and has trouble meeting my eyes when we talk.

She's fidgeting with her hands as an awkward silence falls between us.

"Edward," she finally says nervously. "Can I talk to you for a moment?"


	62. Chapter 62

Bella's question echoes in my mind.

I can't help my want to freak out.

To think that this is it…that now is when she's going to tell me that she's found someone she loves, that she's ready to move on, and that she's going to ask me to leave.

All these thoughts are running through my mind before I realize Bella is already talking, and it takes me a moment to hear what she is saying.

"You are so important to me Edward…to Eva too," she says. "You were there for me during the hardest time in my life, and without you I wouldn't have gotten through it. You are the kindest, sweetest, most caring person I know. You're Eva's daddy, and I can't imagine a better man for that role in her life. You've practically given up your life for me and Eva, and I have loved having you here with us. You are one of the most important people in my life Edward, and I can't imagine having a future without you in it. I've learned a lot this past year…I realized a lot of the times, the best things happen when you least expect them to, and I've especially learned that life is too short to let chances pass you by. Now, I know you may not feel the same way, and that's okay…but I needed to tell you how I feel…how I've felt for a while now."

I imagine I'm looking like a fish out of water with how I'm sitting there staring at Bella, trying to process what she's saying…trying to convince myself to not get my hopes up that she feels for me the way I feel for her, and that she's brave enough to tell me.

It's only when I finally realize that she has stopped talking that I manage to say something.

"Bella," I say, my voice rough as I force the words out. "What exactly are you trying to say?"

"Edward…I…I'm in love with you."


	63. Chapter 63

Bella's words linger in the air.

My anxiety over what Bella had wanted to tell me, and how she has been acting dissipates in an instant.

I'm completely caught off guard by her admission, by her telling me the one thing I've so desperately wanted for so long, that I struggle to find something, anything to say back to her.

Finally, when I speak, my voice is a soft whisper.

"Oh, Bella…do...do you really mean it?"

She hesitantly nods yes, and I can see the nervousness and hesitance in her eyes.

And that is it, that look in her eyes, its enough to finally push all of my own fears and worries aside and let me start to open up to her as well.

"Do you have any idea how long I've waited for you," I tell her as my hand gently caresses her cheek. "Do you have any idea how long I've held on to hope that one day you would say those words to me?"


	64. Chapter 64

In the midst of everything that has been said by both of us, I throw caution to the wind, wanting everything I've wanted to say to Bella to be out in the open.

"Do you know how long I've wanted to tell you how I feel?" I say. "How long I've wanted you for my own? I've loved you for so long Bella. Since before we ever actually met. I remember seeing you for the first time on campus freshman year. We were in the same economics class. You never noticed me though. Our schedules were similar because we had classes in the same buildings. I kept telling myself every day that I would talk to you, ask you out…but I was so shy and afraid you would tell me no. And then my brother introduced you to me…as the girl he'd been seeing. I knew I was too late then by how you looked at him…like he was your entire world. All I'd ever wanted was for you to look at me like that. All I wanted was you to be happy, so I kept my mouth shut, and loved you from afar...I could never be with anyone else, not when I always ended up comparing them to you."

I can't help the tears that start falling as I tell her everything.

It makes me finally feel free…feel lighter than I ever have now that I'm being honest with her.

I can't help but wonder if she knew…if she had some sort of inkling about how I felt.

"Oh Edward," she says, and without even thinking I pull her into my arms and kiss her.

Our lips meet, my tongue darting out and seeking entrance into her mouth.

The kiss is full of passion and unspoken words, all of our emotion pouring out of us, the power of the connection between the two of us tangible in the air.

We break apart only when we need air.

Gasping for breath, we both once again say the words neither of us knew how to say for so long.

"I love you…"


	65. Chapter 65

Today was our first date.

Angela watched Eva for us.

Everything was just…perfect.

I wanted something simple for us, so I packed a picnic.

The city has been putting on a classical concert series in the park, and I knew how much Bella loved classical music, so I thought it would something nice for us to do for our first date.

They were playing Mozart…Bella's favorite.

Evan never cared for classical music, he hated it really, and I knew how much Bella loved it but never really played it around Evan, so I thought it would be nice for her to be able to enjoy it again.

We cuddled and snuggled together as the music played, and as I let my mind wander, I could see the two of us doing the exact same thing thirty years from now.

I didn't want the evening to end.

But it did, and even though we live under the same roof, I walked Bella to her bedroom door and gave her a kiss good night and thanked her for a wonderful time.


	66. Chapter 66

Bella and I talked about a lot of things today.

Us…Evan…our future.

We know what we want together…we want a life together, a chance to build our lives together and one day start a family of our own.

But we also know that our relationship blossomed out of something tragic, and so we know we still need to take things slow and tread carefully.

Things are still new between us, no matter how sure we seem of our wanting our future together, we don't want to rush or do anything to mess things up.

Which is why we agreed to keep things quiet for now and not tell my parents just yet.

No matter when we tell them it will be awkward no doubt, but for now…we'll wait until we're more established.

After all…Bella and I know how we feel about each other, and nothing matters more than that.


	67. Chapter 67

**A/N: Bit of a time jump again. Last chapter was the end of June, this chapter is September.**

* * *

><p>It's Bella's birthday, and I want it to be special and memorable.<p>

I want it to be our time to move our relationship forward.

I've arranged for a weekend getaway for us to a bed and breakfast.

It'll been a great chance for us to have some extended time alone.

I'm ready to move things forward with Bella, and I think she's ready too.

I felt the tension the whole way up here in the car…the glances, the "accidental" touches.

And now that we're in our room…

Our luggage forgotten by the door.

Bella's wrapped in my arms as I kiss up along her neck and guide us to the bed and lower us on to it.

"We don't have to if you aren't ready Baby," I whisper before kissing her, all the while hoping and praying that she is ready, that she wants this as much as I do.

"I want to Edward…please…I need you," she murmurs back to me.

My lips capture hers as my tongue seeks entrance into her mouth.

Our hands become frantic as our clothes are discarded on the floor.

And I can already feel just how right it is for Bella and I to be together.

My arousal rests against her thigh as I shower her breasts with attention, sucking a nipple into my mouth before showing the same attention to the other.

I can't stop the moans that fly out of my mouth…I haven't felt so alive…so good in so long.

It makes me want her all the more.

Suddenly Bella takes control, and flips us so she is straddling me, kissing her way down my chest as her hands stroke my hardened shaft.

I can't even begin to try to form words to describe how good it feels.

She licks the tip, and then slowly, takes me in her mouth.

I grunt and groan as her head moves up and down her hands massage my balls, driving me closer to the edge as my hips begin to thrust of their own volition.

"Bella," I gasps out. "I…I'm gonna cum Baby…" I whimper as I try to warn me about my impending release.

But she grabs my hips, keeping me in her mouth.

Her tongue swirls around my cock as she takes meall the way in, the head of my cock reaching the back of her throat, and it's enough to trigger my orgasm.

My body tenses as I cry out Bella's name and the warmth of my release pours out of me and down her throat.

She places a final kiss on the tip before making her way up to me.

My chest is heaving as I pull her to me, and flip us over, a growled "My turn" escaping my lips as my desire to taste her consumes me.

I get lost in sensation as I feel her soft, warm body beneath my hands.

My fingers ghost along her thighs as I part her legs.

Slowly, I kiss my way down her body.

Finally I reach where I want to be, my mouth and hands working together as they reach Bella's already soaked core.

Her back arches off the bed as my tongue licks and my fingers, first one and then a second push into her.

Her hands fist into my hair, holding me in place between her legs.

I lick and nip and suck as my fingers stroke and curl and hit the spot that drives her wild, sending her over the edge.

"Fuck, Edward!" she cry out as her hips buck and she grinds against my mouth.

She looks glorious as her release rips through her body.

As she comes down from her high, she pulls me up along her body, wrapping her legs around my waist.

Kissing me on the mouth, I whimper as I feel my hardened cock at her entrance.

"Please Edward," she whispers as she thrusts her hips up slightly. "I need to feel you inside me…make me yours."

I kiss her and simply respond with "As you wish…"


	68. Chapter 68

Bella and I both let out a satisfied moan as I enter her.

And for me, nothing feels more right than this moment between us…she is my home.

With whispered words of love and gentle kisses I begin to move within her.

Her hips start to raise off the bed as she begins to meet me thrust for thrust.

"So good Edward…"

"I love you Baby…"

My pace quickens, driving Bella closer and closer to the edge.

"Cum for me Baby," I tell her, wanting to feel her shatter around me.

My fingers tease her clit as my cock goes deeper inside her, triggering her release.

Her nails dig into my shoulders as she shatters, my pace quickening as my own release comes soon after hers.

Afterwards, I hold her closely to me, kissing along her shoulder.

"I love you Bella…you're everything to me," I tell her, never feeling more complete than I do in this moment.

"I love you too Edward, more than anything," she replies.

I can't help the smile that creeps along my face, or stop the contented sigh that escapes me as Bella's words reach my ears before drifting off to sleep.


	69. Chapter 69

I did my best to make Bella's birthday special this year, and from the smile that has been on her face since that first night, I think I did an okay job.

The weekend at the bed and breakfast was more perfect than I could have asked for it to be.

Angela watched Eva for us while we were away, so it was nice to have the time for us to just get to be a couple together.

We also decided on the way home that we were ready to tell your parents about us.

We're ready now.

We know they may not react too well to it, but I'm not worried.

We decided to tell Bella's parents too, even though they haven't spoken to here since they fought.

I would love for them to be in Eva's life, to be happy for Bella that she's found happiness again, but if they can't support her, then maybe it's best they stay away.

I helped Bella to get the dinner ready tonight.

We figured we'd have everyone over here and tell them then.

Eventually everyone makes it over to the house.

It's nice seeing everyone again.

We hadn't all been together for a family dinner in a while.

We've all been busy.

We catch up as we eat, and I can't help the smile that crosses my face when I realize we've truly finally found our new normal.

There's no lingering sadness every time we're together.

Memories of Evan bring out happiness now when we bring them up.

Even Bella has been able to let go of the hurt and the pain.

She's realized there's no room for it in her life, and I've found that no matter what I thought about my brother, he was human…and everyone makes mistakes…even if some cause irreparable damage.

By the time dessert is ready, we're all sitting in the den, and Bella and I are trying to find the right way to tell everyone about us.

There's a lull in the conversation, and I decide to just grab the opportunity and go for it.

I take Bella's hand in mine and clear my throat, gaining everyone's attention.

"Bella and I have something important to say," I tell everyone as I kiss her cheek.

"We're together now…have been since June…and we love each other very much."

Thankfully, I was right about my family's reaction.

Emmett, Rose, Alice, and Jasper all already had an inkling about something going on between us.

I think Mom did too, although she'd never admit it.

But both her and Dad just want the two of us to be happy.

They told me that they've seen the positive changes that Bella and I have brought out in each other.

Mom also said that as happy as she had seen Bella with Evan, it was different than how she is with me…not any less or more happy, but different.

I think it's because we both just feel complete when we're together.

She's like oxygen for me...I need her to survive, I wouldn't want to without her.

We called Bella's parents to tell them too.

Her dad wouldn't talk to her, and all her mom said was "I see," before giving her some excuse for needing to get off the phone.

I tried to make her feel better and tell her that they just need time to come around.

Bella told me though, that either way, it doesn't matter…there's nothing they or anyone else could say to make her ever even think of giving me up, and hearing those words from her…hearing how she would fight for me, fight for us…made me love her all the more.


	70. Chapter 70

I know something is up with Bella.

I'm just not quite sure what it is.

Things between us have been going so well, she even moved out of her bedroom and into mine.

Tomorrow's Thanksgiving, and she's barely done anything to get things ready for when everyone comes over like she usually does.

This whole week she's turned down my advances for sex or even just physical contact.

I'm so lost in my head worrying over this.

My head tells me I have nothing to worry about, but my heart…it's fragile…it wouldn't survive if Bella chose to walk away from me now.

I keep questioning her about what's going on, and I hate seeing her so lost inside herself.

Regardless of whatever it is that's going on…I'm going to have to get Bella to tell me soon.


	71. Chapter 71

Thanksgiving is relatively quiet…at least as far as I'm concerned.

Everyone else is happily chatting as they eat.

I'm just pushing my food around on my plate.

I still haven't worked out how to confront Bella, even if I have sworn to myself that I would do it this weekend.

But I guess my patience with her wore itself out when after Esme, Emmett, and Alice all tried talking to her and she was so zoned out she didn't even hear them.

"Goddamn it Bella!" I shout as I slam my hand on the table. "What the hell is going on? You've been a zombie for the past week. You won't talk to me, you won't let me touch you, you're walking around like you were right after Evan died. Do you not want to be with me anymore…because if that's the case then just say so and end it…don't string me and my heart along."

Looking up at her, she seems so hurt and frightened.

This isn't how I wanted to approach her about it…I wanted to do it calmly and privately.

I never meant to make a scene out of it or shout at her or make her cry.

"Oh Edward," she sobs as tears start pouring down her face. "Of course I want you. I love you…I…I'm just…I have to tell you something and I don't know how…"

"Bella…you know you can tell me anything," I say to her in a much softer tone of voice than before.

"Edward I'm…I'm pregnant."

As soon as the words are out of her mouth, the dining room falls deathly silent.

I slump back in my chair, staring at Bella, my mind reeling from the news that I'm going to be a daddy.

I'm not quite sure what look is on my face, but clearly it can't be a good one based on Bella's reaction.

"Excuse me," she mutters as she throws my napkin on the table and runs upstairs, locking herself in our room.

Everyone else around the table starts yelling at me and telling me off for being an insensitive asshole, but I can't pay any attention to them, my concern is on Bella, so I make my way as fast as possible upstairs to her.

As soon as I manage to get the door open, I make my way to her and wrap my arms around her and hold her close.

"I'm sorry Bella," I whisper to her.

"You have nothing to be sorry for Edward. I should have gone on birth control as soon as we declared ourselves. I understand…you don't want the baby…" she trails off before breaking into sobs again.

Is that what she thinks? That I wouldn't want our child?

She is so wrong if that's what she is thinking, because there is nothing I want more than to see her belly grow, knowing it is my child she is carrying within her.

"Bella…what are you talking about?" I question. "Of course I want the baby. My entire future is with you. Why wouldn't this include us having more children besides Eva?"

"You…you aren't upset about me being pregnant?" She asks nervously.

"No, you silly girl. I'm exceptionally happy about being a daddy again."

"But…the way you reacted when I told you…"

"Was me being an ass," I tell her, not at all ashamed to admit my mistake. "I was caught off guard. I wasn't expecting you to be telling me that you know. Sure it's a little faster than anything we had planned, but it's okay. I love you, I love the family we've built together…I love the child that's growing inside you. Plans change all the time Bella, there's nothing wrong with that."

I hold her close to me again, kissing away the tears that are drying on her face.

"How did your family take the news?" she asks.

"They were a bit surprised, happy about a new baby, pissed at me for making you upset…they're still waiting downstairs to make sure I set things right."

Bella laughs a little at the pout on my face over my family being upset with me, which only causes me to laugh with her.

"So…you're gonna be a mommy again…" I murmur as I kiss along Bella's neck, a smile on my face.

"And you're gonna be a daddy again."

"Sounds perfect to me Bella. I love you."

"I love you too Edward…now how about we go downstairs and finish that turkey dinner…I am eating for two now."

We head back downstairs and rejoin the rest of the family. Everyone is happy that Bella and I have cleared up the little misunderstanding we had, and we spend the rest of the evening talking about baby names, and if we think we'll be having a boy or a girl.


	72. Chapter 72

I love seeing Bella pregnant.

Crazy I know…but knowing that it's my child she is carrying…a child we created out of love…makes me happier than I could ever say.

Now that we're going to be having a baby, I suggested reaching out to Bella's parents again.

They agreed to meet us for dinner.

I'm not sure what to expect, we haven't spoken to them since that two word conversation the day Bella and I told everyone we were together.

I was a little thrown by how excited they were to hear from us.

Bella and I got to the restaurant before they did, so when they saw us, they did look surprised to see Bella pregnant.

I waited for them to say something judgmental as they approached, but the first thing her mother did as she got close to us was pull Bella into a hug and break down crying as she murmured her apologies to me.

Her father was next, and it was awkward seeing him emotional, but at the same point, him displaying his emotions like this made me realize how much they meant what they were saying.

A lot of talking went on throughout our meal…we talked about Evan, about Bella and I, about Eva and her little brother or sister who would be arriving in a few months.

They told us how they realized they were wrong…how they were angry over what Evan had done, and that they just wanted Bella to distance herself from everything having to do with him to keep her from getting hurt more than she already was.

They talked about how they understood just how much they were missing…Bella, Eva, who when they referred to her as their grandchild…it made Bella happier than I could have ever imagined.

They also understood that while Bella wanted them in her and her family's life, that it would take time. That there was a lot of damage to repair from what they had done, and that we couldn't just go back to how things were.

Her parents said they'd do whatever it took to work things out and fix things.

By the end of the night, Bella felt much better than she had in a long time, and it was only then that I realized how much the rift between her parents and her had bothered her.

Hugging me tight before they left, her mom whispered in my ear that she was happy for Bella and I…that she was happy that her daughter was finally truly living again.

After a promise to get together again soon, Bella and I headed home, and I for one, was most definitely feeling like everything was falling into place.


	73. Chapter 73

I can't believe Bella's having our baby today.

It's been a running joke that June seems to be a lucky month for Bella and I…it's the month of my birthday, Eva's birthday, it's the month when we declared ourselves to each other…and the month when we're getting married next year.

We also closed on our new house at the beginning of the month…God bless my mother for having connections with decorators who were able to get the nursery done quickly, and thank the lord for the rest of the family helping to get the rest of the house put together

Now here we are…still in June, and Bella's giving birth to our daughter.

We weren't sure about finding out, but once Alice mentioned how much easier it would be able to plan the nursery, we agreed.

The contractions are coming really close, and I can feel the color drain from my face as Dr. Denali tells Bella it's time to push.

I stay by Bella's side, holding her hand in mine as she bring our daughter into the world.

The moment her first cry echoes through the room, the tears start, and I'm kissing Bella and thanking her for such a beautiful daughter.

After she's cleaned up, my perfect 7 pound 9 ounce little girl is placed in my arms.

Bella and I enjoy a few moments alone with her before bringing in Eva to meet her little sister.

Slowly, the rest of the family eventually joins us, and once everyone is in the room we introduce them to Cassidy Nicole Cullen.


	74. Chapter 74

It's amazing how quickly a year goes by.

Just a year ago Bella and I were welcoming Cassidy into the world, and now…here we are officially becoming a family.

The church is beautifully decorated with flowers.

We agreed that we wanted a small wedding…just close family and friends, with a simple reception back at our house afterwards.

I never thought I would ever get my happily ever after…get the chance to be so in love and ready to pledge myself to the person who owns my heart.

As Bella's father walks her down the aisle, everything but her fades away, she looks so beautiful in her dress.

Finally, her father places her hand in mine, whispering that he loves her and is glad she's found happiness again as he does so.

Much of the ceremony and what the priest says fades away in the background, as all I can focus on is Bella, and the loving look in her eyes.

I hope she can see the same in mine.

Before I know it, our "I Do's" are said, and the priest is presenting us to everyone as Mr. and Mrs. Edward Cullen.

The reception back at the house is wonderful.

The night is spent celebrating and dancing, before Bella and I head off for our week long honeymoon in Ireland.

Eventually the night winds down, and the limo arrives to take us to the airport.

We say our goodbyes and climb in, waving to everyone as we drive off.

I hold Bella close as we head towards the airport.

"I love you Mrs. Cullen," I whisper as I gently kiss her.

"I love you too Mr. Cullen"


	75. Chapter 75

**5 years later**

Life is good.

Life is wonderful.

I never thought that my brother dying seven years ago would ultimately lead me to the greatest happiness of my life.

I've been so blessed.

I have my loving wife, the one woman who has ever owned my heart, the only woman who ever will.

I have my two beautiful daughters.

Eva is seven now, and so incredibly smart, and Cassidy is five, and absolutely loving kindergarten and the karate classes we started her in, even though we have to tell her it's not okay to practice on her siblings.

And I have my adorable two year old twin boys, Paxton and Peter.

They are my spitting image, and I couldn't be prouder…they have the penny colored hair and are identical…except for the eyes.

Paxton's are blue and Peter's are green.

Emmett and Rose are doing well too; they have a four year old little boy named Declan and a three year old little girl named Julia.

Alice and Jasper are great as well. Their son Oliver just turned four, and their second son, Thomas is due next month.

Things with Bella's parents are better than ever, and they love that we've given them so many grandchildren.

They, along with my parents want more, but for now, Bella and I are quite content with our bustling brood of four.

We've made sure that Eva knows about Evan…although we've never made mention of Charlotte…maybe when she's older we'll broach that conversation.

As angry as I was all those years ago when everything happened, and then when the truth of the things Evan had done came out…I'm thankful to him.

I needed to learn how to hold on to hope that life has its own way of working out, and he taught me that…he showed me how to trust that with a bit of hope and faith, I would find my happiness, and finally find and experience all the wonderful things that life had in store for me.

* * *

><p><strong>AN: I would just like to take a moment and thank everyone who has read and reviewed this story. I know I may not have responded to each and every review, but I have read them all and am more thankful than I could ever say for all of your kind words. I started out writing Learning to Let Go and somewhere along the lines I found myself falling in love with this Edward. He has become so near and dear to my heart, and now, as I mark his POV complete, it leaves me incredibly sad. **

**Catastrophia, this EPOV was and is dedicated to you. You love this Edward just as much as I do, and I truly hope you've enjoyed this early birthday gift.**

**I truly don't enjoy the thought of leaving the characters from this story behind, so there may be outtakes in the future. If there are any particular scenes you would like, feel free to let me know in your review.**

**Until next time,**

**Stephanie**


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